Moonage Daydream [Stand-alone vers]

Heart to Heart

Sirius had no intention of sleeping that night; Instead he sat on a windowsill in the common room and waited in silence for nine thirty to come.
He just didn't think he could stomach sleeping, knowing what he'd inevitably dream about. And besides— He was far from tired—

The moment they'd climbed through the portrait hole, Peter had said he needed to sleep. James had gone with him so Sirius had assumed he was passed out too, but to his surprise, about a half hour later, James made his way down the stone staircase. The boy took a seat on the floor in front of him.
"Mind if I sit here?" Sirius stared a moment before shaking his head. He slipped off the windowsill, joining James on the floor.
The boy just watched him for a moment through his dirty glasses. The two of them sat in a long, tense silence before James cleared his throat.
"I um—" He bit his lip, head dropping slightly as Sirius watched him. He swallowed. "I just wanted to say since— This seems as good a time as ever—" The boy caught his eye again, smiling apologetically.
"You should— Well we should all hang out again—" He was stumbling over his words in the way he often did when he was feeling awkward. Sirius didn't see him do that too much anymore— It felt almost uncharacteristic. "The group's not the same without you— We miss you, mate— And—" He paused momentarily, "Well you know Remus does too I think— He's just—" Sirius looked down.
"Don't speak for him—" James fidgeted, nodding slowly.
"Alright well— At least me and Pete do— And I mean—" Sirius looked up, feeling a tightness in his chest. He watched James carefully. The boy was holding his breath— "If Remus— Well— I mean like if anything were to happen to him— I'm sure he'd—" Sirius shook his head.
"Please don't say that right now—" James nodded, sniffing.
"Right—"

The two of them sat in an odd quiet for a moment. Sirius busied himself, picking the dried blood out from under his nails. He felt a lump in his throat, but he didn't know what else he was meant to say. James was just scratching at the back of his neck awkwardly.

The conversation didn't feel over though— Sirius could feel something else hanging in the air as James glanced his way—

He was just about to finally crack and say something when James blurted out,
"Can I ask you about something—?" Sirius looked up, pursing his lips.
"Yeah?" Sirius asked. He watched James mouth wordlessly, fingers playing with the edge of the carpet.
"We tell each other everything, right—? Like— You've been my best friend for years and—" James began in a measured voice, adjusting his glasses as he spoke. "You— Well— Maybe I'm crazy, but I thought— Well I've been trying hard to understand Remus and his lifestyle recently— You know because he and I— Well we've been getting closer again and— Well—" He bit his lip. Sirius felt lost, listening to the boy stammer, but he tried hard to make sense of it. James looked almost nervous. "The longer I thought about it, the more I started to wonder and— Okay well— With tonight and everything—" Sirius watched him, bewildered. He could tell James was uncomfortable— Like really uncomfortable, but he couldn't figure out why until—
"Is something going on between you two like—" He licked his lips. "Like— I dunno—"
And finally Sirius understood what James was asking.
He just sat, staring— Too out of it to even be surprised. Out of all the questions he could have predicted, this was maybe the only one he couldn't have prepared himself for—
          "Why do you ask—?" James swallowed, cracking his knuckles. He looked at the ground, seeming hesitant.
            "I dunno I— Well Pete and I have always joked that you two were like an old married couple, but I never really stopped to think about it— And like— When you disappeared it was like—" James shook his head, messy hair tumbling over itself. He shrugged. "I dunno— Remus was just— Different." Sirius's breath was unsteady.
           "I fucked up his life— I think that's grounds to be at least a little down—" But James shook his head.
           "That's the thing though— It wasn't just like him acting all depressed it's like— Fuck I don't even know how to describe it—" James waved a hand, shrugging. "Anyways— It just made me wonder if—"
            "If we were together—?"
James nodded awkwardly and Sirius's own eyes dropped.

"I don't know—" He said truthfully.

He thought about Remus's hands on him— The way he touched Sirius like none of Sirius's other friends. He thought about Christmas and New Years— Especially new years— His shaky fingers traced the patterns in the rug as he tried not to think about Remus in his hospital bed. "I don't know—" He repeated, quieter this time.
James swallowed.
          "So you're—" Sirius's pointer finger ran along a twirly bit in the rug, but he didn't respond for a moment. There was a thick pause before he nodded his head ever so slightly.
James leaned back, letting out a long breath. Sirius squeezed his eyes shut. He wasn't sure what James was thinking or what he was gonna say next and somehow he both cared so much and not at all. Everything was coming in waves crashing over him and he sort of felt like he couldn't breath even though he knew he could.

Then James covered his face with his hands. "I'm sorry— Fuck, Sirius I'm sorry—" Sirius opened his eyes.
"What for—" James swallowed.
"I was so horrible about it— And I don't even know why it just—" Sirius shook his head wordlessly. He felt his chest tightening as James pulled at a string on the carpet. "It was so stupid— I'm sorry, mate— I—"
"It's ok—" He murmured, but James shook his head vigorously.
"No— It isn't— You've been there for me every time I needed a friend without condition and— I should have been that for you too—"
Sirius noticed the hints of tears welling behind his glasses— For lack of anything better to do, he pulled James into a hug, squeezing him tightly. The other boy's shoulders shook slightly and Sirius felt his own eyes prickling.
"You have been— I promise—"

They held each other like that for a long while. It could have been a few minutes or an hour— Sirius didn't know— But he did know that he'd needed this.. Badly.

Somewhere in the moment both of them had cried— He couldn't remember the last time they'd cried together. He supposed if it was gonna happen it might as well be now— It felt almost necessary.

Finally, James shifted and Sirius felt himself refocus. The boy sniffled.
"Does Remus know—"
"Know what—?"
A pause.
"How you feel about him—?"
Sirius felt a lump in his throat. He thought back to the boy in his hospital bed, pale as a ghost— And the wolf bleeding out on the grass. He swallowed.
"No—"