Moonage Daydream [Stand-alone vers]

It's Sick

Sirius didn't sleep that night—
Every time he tried, he'd wake up in a panic, tangled in hospital blankets. Not his normal nightmares, full of visions of his mother. These were filled with angry wolves and angrier boys with curly brown hair and scarred mouths twisting to tell him how much he'd failed them.
He knew Madam Pomfrey had asked for him to stay the next day, but he couldn't just sit in that bed any longer.. Which was why, at 5am he found himself outside the doors of the hospital wing, face to face with the one person he'd been hoping not to see just yet.

Remus Lupin stood in front of him, staring at him with wild eyes. He let out a shaky breath, knowing he deserved every bit of justified rage written on his face— But even though he knew it, he couldn't help wishing it would stop.
The two of them stared at each other for what felt like hours and Sirius had just opened his mouth to say something when he felt himself being dragged by the collar of his shirt down the hall and into an empty classroom. He shuddered as Remus turned his back.
Even from behind, Sirius could see the boy's breathing was sharp and labored. It almost looked like he was sobbing— But he wasn't. Sirius had seen Remus sad before and it wasn't this.
He'd seen Remus angry before too— But he wasn't sure he'd ever seen Remus this violently furious— You could cut the tension in the room with a knife.

Remus was quiet long enough for Sirius to consider trying to say something again, but before he could, the other boy spoke up.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He snapped without turning around. He didn't seem to want to look at him.
Sirius wasn't sure what to say. His foot tapped against the stone and he felt a strain in his chest.
"Remus— I regretted it the moment I saw him I didn't—"
"Do you even know what it is you did? Like do you actually understand?" Sirius bit his lip hard. He swayed where he stood, but he forced the words out.
"I do—" He said softly. "And I'm sorry, Re— I'm so sorry—"
Remus rounded on him. His expression made Sirius want to take a step back. It made him want to run away.
"Don't fucking do that." As he shouted, he pushed Sirius away from him, letting him stumble back into a desk. "You don't get to fix this with an apology. I'm sick of bloody apologies— People are always fucking apologizing— But it's not okay, right?" Sirius stared at the ground, gripping the edge of the desk he was now leaning against.
He knew he looked pitiful and he hated it— Remus didn't want to feel bad for him. Remus shouldn't have to feel bad for him— So why was he shaking like a fucking dog. He felt like he couldn't breathe, but he didn't want to leave Remus without a response. He looked down at his shoes, voice barely audible.
"I know— I should be expelled— It's—" He heard Remus kick a desk hard, sending it clattering into the one next to it. Sirius's knuckles went white as his grip on his own desk tightened.
"Shut up— God— You're such an asshole, you know that??" Sirius couldn't make himself look up. His head seemed fixed downwards as Remus yelled. "You don't get to just feel bad about yourself. That doesn't fucking fix anything— It's just pathetic." Sirius nodded quickly, holding his breath. His eyes seemed stuck on the stone floor.
He never wanted to see Remus look at him like that again— It was like the face he'd known his whole life, but warped— He hadn't even been afraid of the wolf the way he was afraid of Remus now and he knew it was his fault. His mistake.. He knew he should man up and face it, but he couldn't make himself look—
There was another long, thick silence before Sirius spoke again.
"I know an apology won't fix it— The minute it happened I wanted to take it back—" He heard Remus scoff, but he didn't start yelling again so Sirius swallowed hard and continued. "It was terrible— there's no excuse, but... Will you at least let me— explain myself..?"
He heard Remus laugh. It wasn't a kind laugh, smooth like honey in the way that usually made Sirius melt; It was sharp and cold and distant. It reminded him of his father's laugh. The laugh that Regulus had adopted when he'd decided to be their mother's golden child instead of Sirius's little brother.
"I really don't want to hear it, Sirius—"
Sirius nodded weakly, willing himself not to start crying again. He hated crying— It made him feel weak and stupid which is exactly how he knew Remus would see him.
The thought of that made him need to cry even more. He'd never once had to worry about Remus Lupin finding him pathetic—
There was a long pause before Remus spoke again. When he did, his voice sounded worn.
"You know something?" He murmured. "I was really sure that you were looking out for me, you know? You and James and Peter have always been everything to me, but you—" His voice faltered, but he kept going. "You were always something special to me. And for a while I thought you might feel the same— I thought maybe I meant something more than—" He let out a shaky breath, cutting himself off, "But I guess that was my mistake— That's on me." Sirius looked up for the first time since Remus had pushed him, practically trembling as he choked out,
"Re— You know that isn't true—"
"How can I know??" Remus put his hands over his face groaning in frustration. "Do you realize how much shit you've gotten me into?? Over some petty schoolyard rivalry?? You fucking used me, Sirius. I thought you were the one who wanted people to stop getting hurt over this stupid bullshit— Or is that only true when it's Regulus?" Sirius could see Remus flickering between the urge to hit something else and the urge to leave the room. Sirius wasn't sure which one would win until Remus gritted his teeth and turned away. Sirius bit his lip, bracing himself for Remus to walk out on him.
But Remus hesitated. He just stood there, breaths calming down as he stared straight ahead. Sirius stared at his back with baited breath, waiting for whatever it was he had left to say.

Without turning back around, Remus said coldly, "I don't know if it's that you need some stand-in to punch around in the place of your family or if it's just fun for you, but it's sick. And I'm not letting you put me in the middle of it anymore."
With that, Remus walked briskly out of the classroom, leaving Sirius winded and clutching the desk he was glued to.
His stomach ached as though he'd been punched, Remus's words cutting far deeper than his claws would have ever been able to. Sirius wasn't even sure he could've responded if he'd tried to.