"why can't you see me? why can't i stop needing you to see me?"- Chen Chen
Stella has never been seen that is until Mason walked into her life.
Tw: self harm, suicide attempt
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"why can't you see me? why can't i stop needing you to see me?"
After I left the hospital, I didn't talk to anyone at all.
I ditched my friends, I didn't go to school. I still haven't been to school.
The whole got deeper, I was stuck in the hole. I didn't have no ladder. I feel so empty.
My mom didn't force me to go to school, instead she understood and we kind of had bonding moments.
I won't forgive her right away but I'm starting to trust her a little bit more.
My friends tried visiting me but i didn't let them into my room, i didn't let anyone in, not even Lana.
They gave me space but also let me know that they're here for me and they understand in some way.
They don't actually understand, no one understands how deeply I'm in the hole. I befriended my sadness.
Coleson tried calling me and even visiting me once he found out what I did to myself.
I'm less scared of him, in a way I'm more scared of myself because now I know what I'm truly capable of.
And not in a good way.
I haven't ate much, making me lose weight. I'm more thinner in a concerning way.
But I don't care, I want to be like this, in a way it makes me feel more alive than I've ever been.
All i wear is hoodies and sweats, so you can't really tell unless you see me in normal clothes.
Lana's been acting kind of weird since the hospital I think it's probably because of the position I put her in but my gut tells me it's more than that.
I don't regret trying to kill myself because I saw my dad, I saw josh again even if it was for a little, even if it left me feeling empty again.
I look through our old family photo albums and random photos of everyone and everything that my dad took of.
I see some with just us two or the four of us, me and mom, or me and josh. So on and on.
It brought me a little joy to see my old self again.
A knock on my door interrupts my train of thought.
"Honey, it's mom" my mom says before coming in.
She does her daily checkups, she doesn't want to lose me.
It's weird seeing her being sweet to me and actually sober for once.
"Do you want anything to eat?" She asks coming to sit down next to me.
"No, I'm okay. I'm not hungry" i say and she nods looking at the photo on my bed.
It's a picture of us four at the beach, we all have big smiles on our faces. Dad looking at mom with so much love, and mom looking at the camera.
Me and josh were about 7 and 8 in the picture, I remember that beach day trip.
It's one of my favorite memories of us.
Mom sighs, "looking back at that lady in the picture i don't even recognize myself, I was happier than ever in that photo" she says looking at it with such an indifference.
"I know what you mean" i say back quietly, "you know, before I did what I did. I was physically hurting because of how much I missed us as a family"
She sat quietly, "I felt so sad, so much pain. I thought I deserved to do it, and when I got into that mindset... I couldn't stop it"
She pulls me into her arms, i feel her tears on my shoulder.
"I'm so sorry for ever making you feel like you deserve what I did to you, what coleson did to you" she says, i cry a little.
We both cry, we cry together in each others arms.
We cry because we're in so much pain, we cry because we're both grieving the same people but in different ways.
"I won't ever let you out of my side again, I'll keep going to my meetings and I'll get better for the both of us" she says into my shoulder.
We both fall asleep together after we're done crying.
We sleep through the whole night. It's now Friday and I think today I'll go to school.
I get up having no strength to do so but i mange.
"Lana!" I yell out, she comes into my room a few minutes later.
"Yeah?" She asked concerned, i give her a smile.
"I'm going to school today" i say at that she smiles bigger and hugs me.
I change into a new hoodie and sweats, i don't want people to see how skinny I've gotten.
Although Lana probably noticed because she gave me a look after she pulled away.
After I'm done with my routine, we leave and head to school.
On the way there I feel my stomach in knots. I'm nervous to be here after everything that happened.
We get there just in time for first period, Evelyn and Lana by my side.
Everything is normal until third period.
I get in there before anyone else does and gather my materials from my backpack.
Coleson comes in a smirk on his devil face.
"Ah just the person I wanted to see" he says sitting in front of me.
"What do you want?" I ask annoyed, I didn't need this shit, he's part of the reason as to why I tried to off myself.
"I know a little secret" he says smiling bigger, "something that has to do about you"
He makes the knot in my stomach twist more.
What could he possibly know that I don't.
"And it's all in this envelope" he says taking out of his backpack, he gives it to me.
The bell rings before he could say more.
I'm stuck between believing him or not, I mean I shouldn't because he's coleson but at the same time that gut feeling is back.
And something is telling me I should believe whatever is in that envelope.
I want to open it but what if it's something bad and suddenly everything isn't good.
I think I'll wait until I least feel like I'm okay and don't want to kill myself.
Class goes by fast and now it's lunch.
I've been avoiding everyone today, I'm also being quiet.
I reach the table with my friends and sit down.
Violet and Evelyn give me a hug once they see me.
"We've missed you!" They say, i nod and say I've missed them too but truth is i can't really feel anything anymore.
Mason looks at me but instead of adoration and love, he looks at me with guilt, so much guilt.
