See Me✔️

Nostalgia (25)

"I felt utterly alone, like I was the last person alive on Earth. I can't describe that feeling of total loneliness. I just wanted to disappear into thin air and not think about anything."

My heart is in my stomach, I don't like the way Mason is looking at me right now.

I never thought I'd say that, but I hate it and I want it to go away.

I get up from my chair, "I'll be right back" i say and leave the cafeteria before I hear what they respond with.

I go into the hallway and slide down the wall, i breath in and out.

Everything is too much for me right now.

I feel a presence next to me but it doesn't feel like Masons, I look and feel disappointed when it's not him.

Instead it's coleson, i look at him and he looks at me. Suddenly he doesn't look to bad.

He looks like the guy I first met, the guy I first loved. I need that person, I need his comfort.

He knows what I'm thinking, "I can be that person for you again" he whispers.

I nod and lean my head on his shoulder.

I sigh, "whatever's in that envelope will it destroy me?" I ask him.

We both look through the window in front of us.

"More than I ever did" he says, I need closure.

"Why did you hurt me?" I ask him, he sighs.

"I never meant to, I just have a bad temper and I don't know how to control myself" he says honestly.

Maybe I shouldn't believe him, but I know him, I know him better than anyone.

"I tried to kill myself because of you, not completely but partly" i say confessing.

"I know and I'm sorry, I know sorry won't fix it but I'm also sorry for ever hitting you the first time, for the bathroom for everything" he says in one breath.

"I forgive you because I know you're not a bad person, just a troubled guy" i say.

We never once look at each other.

"Do you want to go to our old spot?" He asks finally looking at me.

I know I shouldn't go anywhere with him, I know I shouldn't do anything with him.

But he's so nostalgic and comforting and I need him right now, Mason isn't here, he didn't chase after me like he would of.

"Okay" i say looking back at him, he gets up and pulls me up with him.

We head out of the school building and walk to his motorcycle.

He opens his seat and pulls out two helmets and hands me one. It was the old one that he got me when we were dating.

We get on and he drives off, he heads down old familiar roads.

I haven't been to our old spot since he left, it's gonna feel weird going there again.

But I have missed it I'm not gonna lie.

It doesn't take long until we get there, he parks his motorcycle by the big old rock.

The trees are more greener than ever before, they're tall and bushy and beautiful.

It's a forest, our old spot was somewhere in the forest.

We start walking in, maybe I shouldn't trust him but he's acting like his old self.

Once we get there, the old fairy lights are still hung up wrapped around the tree.

That's how we knew it was our spot, because of the lights.

Once we get there coleson lays down on a patch of grass and pats the spot next to him.

I join him and lay down too, we're looking at the sky.

The clouds are just up there floating no care in the world, i wish i could be like that too.

"I think I messed things up with Mason..." i say, "by trying to kill myself and then not talking to him afterwards"

I can feel his gaze on my side profile but I don't move to look at him.

"I don't think that's the reason stells" he says sighing as if telling me that hurts him "it's all in the envelope"

Now it's my turn to look at him,
"I don't think I'm ready to face whatever is in the envelope"

He gives me a look of sympathy, "I know, you can take your time. And when you do, just know that you can come running back into my arms" he says.

And then continues, "I think I'll always love you stella, for me you were my first love. Even if I did ruin us."

I don't answer him, because I know he's bad for me. But I think in every universe I would choose him, I think in every universe he would t have hit me, he wouldn't have ruined us.

I finally answered him with honesty in my voice.

"I think you were also my first love too, but I also think I'm in between you are my first love and you are not"

I took a deep breath "because how could I ever love someone who hurt me and didn't care that they hurt me"

His face shows pain, it shows that he knows he messed up.

"I know and I'm sorry. I want to make it up to you. Please let me do that" he says almost begging.

Coleson doesn't beg.

"I'll go to anger management meetings or something, because I really do want to be with you." He says.

I think about it, "I'm sorry but I'm with Mason. We can be friends, I want you to get better"

He gives me one of his classic smirks "not for long" he says quietly.

I try not to think too much of it but I know it's not good because the feeling is back.

We stay here for a little bit, i texted my mom telling her I couldn't be in school anymore because I was feeling anxious and she said she would call the school.

"How are things with your mom?" Coleson asks.

I sigh "they're actually going pretty well, she's actually trying to stay sober" i tell him everything about what's been happening.

It feels like the old us again, it feels nostalgic. It feels like I'm that 15 year old girl again, and it feels like when I get back home josh and dad will be there again.

Soon after reality hits me, they aren't coming back. Never ever again.

And suddenly the hole got deeper.