See Me✔️

Letters (28)

"But the past couple
of days I've missed you so much it felt like missing you is all I am."

I sit in my bed going insane, I haven't been to school for a week now, tomorrow is my first therapy appointment.

I know I should be going to school but I just can't, I'll make it up in summer school.

I sit on my bed, going through my memory box.

It has a note from my first boyfriend and a stuff dog he gave me. Letters to people, birthday cards.

Everything everyone has given to me at least once in my life.

Seeing the letters I've written to people gave me an idea.

I'll write letters to everyone in my life in case one day I do it and I succeed.

I grab my notebook and a pencil.

I start off with Mason.

To Mason,
If you are reading this it's because I did it again and i actually succeeded. What we had was short lived. I'm sorry if I ruined it because of my selfish decision. But you don't understand how hopeless I felt in the moment. I started and I couldn't stop.
For a little bit you made me believe I would be able to love someone again, like I would finally be able to live again. You saw me in a way no body ever did, I'm sorry if I was difficult to like or maybe love.
You made me happy again, something I thought I'd never be able to feel.
Thank you for the short time.

After I was done, I move on to Lana and so on and on.

It took me four hours maybe to finish everyone else's letters, i tuck them away in my box and onto my shelf.

Away from anyone's sight, when i do it again I'll put it somewhere they can see.

I feel so fucked in the head.

I go to sleep around eight pm, just to feel somewhat refreshed for tomorrow's appointment.

The next day I wake up nervous and scared.

My appointment is at eleven am, i wake up at nine am and shower for the first time in four weeks maybe.

I haven't had the energy to dress up or go out.

I don't wear anything else but my hoodie and sweats.

I brush my hair and noticed my brush full of hair.

It takes awhile but eventually I get to the therapist.

We sit in the waiting room until the doctor is ready for me.

"Stella Reed!" The nurse calls out, i go in by myself.

"Hello stella, it's nice to see you again!" My old therapist Mr. James welcomes me in.

I give him a somewhat smile "hi" i say quietly.

"Go head and step onto the scale" he says, i step on there facing away.

He doesn't like me seeing the number on the scale, "okay! Go ahead and step off"

He says, writing it down on his notebook.

I go back to the couch, sitting down on the couch and he sits on his chair.

"How are you feeling?" He asks, looking at me.

I sit there emotionless, I shrug my shoulders "not okay I guess"

"Can you explain more? What emotions are you feeling?" He asks wanting me to go into depth.

"I don't know, I guess I'm feeling sad" i say not wanting to say anything more.

He nods, "okay, your mom says your not eating anything"

"Yeah, I guess not" i say back.

"And why haven't you?" He asks.

"Because I don't feel hungry" i say, that's all there is to it. I don't feel hungry.

"Does food make you upset?" He questioned.

I shake my head no, "no i just don't really feel hungry ever since I tried to you know" i say, i don't say that I tried to kill myself because I can't say it out loud.

"Tried to what?" He questioned.

"I don't want to say it out loud" i tell him pulling my sleeve more down.

"Why don't you want to say it?" He questions further.

I shrug my shoulders, "it makes it true, it makes me scared to know what I'm capable of. And maybe a little disappointed in myself."

He writes something in his notebook.

"Stella, there's nothing to be scared. I wouldn't say it's normal to do it but i couldn't blame you"
He says, i nod.

"Have you self harmed since you tried to kill yourself?" He asked.

I don't know if I should tell him or not.

"It's okay, you can trust me. You don't even have to answer me, I'll give you some tips on how to stop self harming before you go" he says.

I nod my head, "am I going to be like this forever?" I ask him.

He looks at me, "like what?" He questioned.

"Like this?" I show him my bandage on my wrists "damaged, broken"

I didn't have to have the bandages on anymore but I don't know, I wasn't ready for it to come off.

He doesn't know how to answer that, I can tell by the look on his face.

"Maybe you won't always feel this specific way forever, your in an depression episode. Right now you feel helpless but i promise you, you are not!" He says.

"You will come out of this stronger than ever, you only feel like this because of your episode but that's okay. I promise one day you'll wake up and suddenly you'll love the way the sun shines so brightly on your skin."

I get a little hopeful feeling in my stomach.

Before I leave he gives me some tips on how to control myself when it comes to the urges of self harming.

Today I feel a little more hopeful, today I feel a little more better.

Today I feel like everything will be alright.

I come out of the room to the waiting area where my mom was waiting for me.

"Ready?" She asks, i nod and we leave.

In the car I stare out the window.

"So, how was it?" My mom asks, i turn to her in my seat facing her.

"I think it went good, I want to keep going" i say almost surprising myself with the news.

"Okay, that's fine. I'm glad it went good" she says smiling, a hopeful gleam on her eyes.

Hope.

I need hope.