My Mind.

03/25/13

If anyone reads this...

This is going to be like a journal...or me just venting.

(warning: swearing)

(Don't worry this starts out really crappy and gets better.)

So here I go...

I like to call myself sanely insane.

Few understand the meaning of it, being sanely insane.

It's not being insane in the way I'm schizophrenic or anything.

I like the sound of sanely insane.

It makes sense to me.

But I can't explain it

It's not something you can just explain.

You're sanely insane or you're not.

If you're not, you won't understand.

You just can't.

Besides being sanely insane, I love coffee.

I actually love it too much, perhaps.

It's my addiction.

Music.

That's even more of an addiction.

It's always playing.

Always.

So far you've learned I'm sanely insane, and I'm a coffee and music addict.

I'm proud of those things.

Yes, strange I know.

Being strange is another thing I'm proud of.

Most of the time.

I took a personality disorder test...

I could possible have schizotypal, antisocial, and borderline disorder.

This is quite accurate.

I'm still trying to figure out antisocial, though.

I guess in a way I really am.

And that scares me.

So to add on to the things you've learned about me, I'm uncomfortable in close relationships, my thoughts are sometimes distorted, I see myself as weird, I have a pervasive disregard and violation of the rights of others, I need control over others. (not so sure about those two)

Maybe just control in general?

I have instability in interpersonal relationships, my-self image, my observable emotions and insignificant impulsiveness.

I'm unable to control my emotions.

So, I want control, yet I can't even control my own emotions.

Woah.

Fuck.

Those are things that I might be.

Not sure.

Some other things you should know...

I'm claustrophobic.

Not in crowds where there is music playing, though.

I have insomnia.

I think it's pretty bad.

Sometimes I get only three hours of sleep, or less.

Sometimes I don't feel like sleeping and other times I feel like sleeping and never waking up.

Never waking up.

That sounds nice.

Depression, self-harm, paranoia, and suicidal thoughts.

That's me.

It gets worse when I'm alone, but I like to be alone.

So, in a way I like my depression, self-harm, paranoia, and my suicidal thoughts.

And that's probably why I can't get rid of them.

I guess, they are comforting.

Contradiction? Just a bit.

But, hey that's my life.

Contradicting.