My Mind.

04/04/13

Overwhelming tiredness.

It's constantly overcoming me.

Lifting my limbs is a breathtaking job.

Standing up and walking.

I'm at the point of just falling.

Collapsing.

Crumbling into a pile of dust.

My panic attacks start the overwhelming tiredness.

I think.

I don't even know what it feels like not to be panicked.

My heart seems to beat faster.

My breath, shallow.

I can't muster enough air and strength.

Though for some reason I'm irritated.

I'm surprised my body even has the strength to be irritated.

It just comes with the panic and overwhelming tiredness.

It's a whole package.

My mom said grief and sadness can do things like that to your body.

You don't say.

As the days go by I'm "happy" (as happy as I can be right now) that my parents know.

I don't feel completely ashamed about it.

I told my mom I cut.

I had to.

I would have kept cutting if I didn't tell her.

25.

25 cuts.

Down my forearm.

I think they're pretty deep.

But now my mom and dad know practically everything.

I have something new to be ashamed of.

Great.

Fucking great.

I feel sick whenever I think about when I told her.

She looked so sad.

It makes me feel terrible.

Guilty.

Useless.

I wanna die even more.

I'm so tired.

So done.

But I know I can't do that to my family and friends.

It's all too much.

I've been thinking...

Maybe it would be better if I went away for a while.

To a group home or something like that.

Meet other people like me.

Being around people I know and love is making things worse.

So much more worse.

I don't want to be around my family or friends.

I want to leave for a bit.

Take a break.

Yes.

The more I think about I really like the idea.

It's absurd.

I know.

It usually doesn't work like that.

The depressed, suicidal, self harming teen.

To want to be sent away.

Okay, maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe it does work that way.

The strangest part of all this...

Is my parents aren't even disappointed.

They're just extremely sad.

They understand.

They except it.

It doesn't feel right.

I wasn't expecting all this...

All this trust.

All this love.

It hurts.

And I don't know why.