My Mind.

03/26/13

I feel like I've had depression forever.

And with depression comes the other things.

(Physical) Self-harm has been around for a year or two.

Paranoia, forever also.

I don't have the average paranoia, I think.

I'm not all that afraid of being taken advantage of.

I'm afraid of thunder and lightening, small places, big bodies of water, and what's in the water, the space between my bed and bedroom wall, when things are too quiet, being left alone.

That last one is hilarious.

I like to be alone.

But I'm afraid of being left alone.

Contradiction, yet again.

Makes sense, in a way.

Being afraid is very different from being paranoid.

But when I'm around the things I'm afraid of I get paranoid.

So fear leads to paranoia.

Suicidal thoughts, 6 months or more.

I don't even know how or when they got in my head, but now they're there and I can't get them out.

The past three months.

They have been the worst.

Last two weeks.

Even worse.

It has gotten to the point that those thoughts,

NEVER LEAVE.

I wake up thinking about it, I go to bed thinking about it.

It must be nice to just give up.

Give up completely.

I'm tired.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't.

It must be nice to lay your head down, close your eyes, and not wake up.

I haven't taken physical action to my thoughts.

Except trying to suffocate myself.

That was a joke.

It didn't even come close to hurting me.

It seems harder to hurt myself.

That's a good thing.

But a terribly awful thing.

My feelings don't get hurt so easily.

I was clean from cutting for quite a while, but the thoughts in my head went berserk.

I never stop thinking.

My mind never stops running.

I'm constantly thinking of scenarios, and how I'd react, what I would do, what I'd say, what the other person/people would do/say, the outcome of the scenario.

It drives me beyond crazy.

Insane.

I guess that's how I'm sanely insane.

It's all because of my beyond crazy mind and thoughts.

Music puts them at peace, for the most part.

When I walk into a room I think of ways its physical appearance could be altered, or changed completely.

Same with people.

I'll look at someone and find ways to change their outer appearance.

I'll think about how they'd look with different hair, clothing, weight, height, teeth, lips.

How they'd sound with a higher, lower, louder, quieter, stronger, or softer voice.

Maybe it makes me feel in control.

I'm not sure.

I don't think I'll be sure of anything.

Except music, and coffee.

And the way my hands get cold and sweaty when I'm nervous, or stressed, or when the temperature rapidly changes, or when I'm tired.

Okay, maybe I'm not so sure about that.

Many of my thoughts tend to be questions.

How?

Where?

When?

Who?

With?

What?

Why?

I need things explained.

Life can't be explained.

That bothers me.

Too much.

Don't like questions or explaining things?

We're automatically never going to be close friends.

I just have to know things.

Not drama enticed things.

I could give less fucks about who that guy/girl is going out with.

If you're my friend I'll give a fuck.

If you're not then I won't.

If you're being bullied, or you're like me and my tendencies, then I'll care.

I am compassionate.

I just don't give a fuck about things that don't matter.