My Mind.

04/16/13

Desperate. 

Angry. 

Sad. 

Put those three together, the combination is confusing. 

It's pathetic.  

I so desperately want to be loved and wanted.  

I'm so angry that I hate everyone.  

I'm so sad that I don't want to love others. 

I want to be loved, but I hate everyone and I don't want to love. 

That doesn't work! 

It can't.  

Yet, I'm still here carrying on with my pathetic life.

I guess I feel like this is because of past rejection. 

It always is. 

Rejection is to blame for everything. 

After so much death, lose, and stupid jr. high backstabbing. 

Yes jr. high. 

Even though it was a few years or so ago it still can hurt. 

It's a constant reminder. 

All this shit adds up together. 

And becomes pathetic me. 

Though my life might not sound that bad, and there are plenty of people who's lives are worse, I still hurt.  

Depression since 5th grade. 

That's fucked up.

My anger blocks plenty of my desperation. 

If I wasn't so angry I think I would have done some really stupid things to feel love.  

But my anger keeps me proud and thinking I'm fine on my own. 

I'm obviously not, I know that. 

Yet, I can't get my heart to align with my brain.  

Stupid broken heart.  

Of course my heart is partially broken because of past "love". 

A year or more ago I was more desperate than anything.  

So I turned to whoever would love me.  

That's just fucking stupid. 

Don't do that.  

There was a boy.  

A boy who was fucked up in his own desperate ways.  

He said "I think I've fallen for you. I love you.". 

"I love you too." I said. 

STUPID. 

(Another small detail...a lot of this was over text. FUCKING STUPID.) 

There was a catch to my love though. 

I didn't actually love him. 

What a joke. 

I thought I did.  

But hell no.  

I eventually took back what I said to him.  

That I didn't realize how I felt and how serious he was. 

I literally broke his heart.  

Or that's what it seemed like.  

Now he's different.  

A lot different, in small ways. 

In good ways, but in bad ways too.  

He seems a bit more mature.  

But still hurt.  

I don't know how, but I can still tell he's hurt.  

It's something in his eyes.  

Even though he had said he was over it.  

He's just so quiet now.  

Almost afraid that too much noise from him will result in rejection. 

I felt so guilty. 

But then I got mad.  

I don't think that's where my anger originated.  

But it didn't help.  

I was just in my most desperate stage.

Now what am I? 

Well I was anger for a year.  

But now I'm desperate, angry, and sad.  

Those three smashed together create the strong sense/want/feeling to give up.

The wish of everything ending.