My Mind.

04/20/13

Escape.

I want to escape.

Escape from everything.

Everything and nothing.

Run away.

I want to run away.

Run away from everything.

Run and never look back.

I want to be lost.

Lost in my mind.

I don't want anyone's help.

No ones pity, or understanding.

Because truly no one will understand me.

When I can't even explain how I feel, what's the point.

The point if even trying.

Trying to get people to understand.

I'd rather not explain myself.

Figure it out yourself, if you really want to know.

I think I'd love to die alone.

I think I'd love to die alone.

I think I'd love to die alone.

-lyrics by My Chemical Romance, Cubicles

But so much of me wants to scream out to everyone that dares to speak to me, what my heart feels and what my mind says.

Something inside tells me that I'm giving up by doing that.

That I'm weak if I let words slip my desperate lips.

Lips that long to be loved.

Lips that hurt.

That are confused.

I've become more weak.

Every time somebody talks to me about how I feel, asks questions, comforts, I melt a bit and let something slip my mouth.

My tongue is uncontrollable.

My heart and mind attempt to settle it, but don't succeed.

Only seem to aggravate it.

Or tempt it.

We want to do what we are told not to.

What we are prevented and warned not to do.

Yet again it's human nature.

To resist help, comfort, love, when we need it the most.

I know I need those elements.

I need to except them.

Want them.

But I resist.

Because I want to.

I now dislike human contact.

Unless I'm overly frightened.

I won't give out hugs anymore.

Only receive them to be nice.

I'd rather not my straight up rude to the ones that love me.

Human contact hurts.

It's uncomfortable.

And I don't know why, or how I started to feel that.

If I were to be physically touched by someone that I'm attracted to or interested in beyond friendship, I would except it.

I'd participate.

I would actually want it, crave it.

It is what I want.

It wouldn't even matter if it was a boy or a girl.

As long as I was wanted.

Sexual physical contact is different than just physical friendship contact.

There is a big difference.

The funny thing is, is that I desire the one thing that requires someone to be extremely vulnerable, and to take a higher risk of being hurt or rejected.

I don't understand why though.

I can't explain it with words.

Not yet.