My Mind.

This is me.

*Okay, so I texted this to a friend...yeah my emotions got the best of me...again. But this friend is different. Anyways, I thought this text really summed me up very well.*

Yeah, I guess I have fear. And I'm told that I need to grieve my loses because I haven't. But I refuse to do that right now. I'm afraid of emotions to be completely honest. And the only way I find control is by cutting or ignoring my emotions. I never cry. I hate crying. I cried about 2 or 3 weeks ago. Not a few tears, but the full blown scream crying. I couldn't do anything else, so my emotions took over. But after I cry I feel so sick and just strange. Not just physically though. It's just hard, but I don't want to leave all this depression and numbness. It's what I know and it's familiar, so strangely it becomes a comfort. It's so fucked up. My faith has been really suffering and I just don't want to deal with it since it's always coming at me, it's always around me. And it gets annoying. But I haven't given up on it. I'm just not pursuing it. But I will eventually. I'm just not willing to change how I feel because everyone is trying to fix me and I'm not broken. I don't need people to fix me. I'll do that myself. But when everyone around you is trying to fix you like you're a problem like you're broken, or is treating you like you'll break or break more, you don't want to be fixed. It makes me feel worse. I'm not a problem. It's like I'm so fucked up that people don't know what to do, and they only want to fix it or sweep up the broken glass (me). I'll do it on my own. I'm the only one who will understand me. So I'll be the one to make things better, but only when I want to.

Once people back off I will get better, but I'm suffocating. I can't do anything when I'm being suffocated. So for right now I'll stay like this because if I were to start running while I'm being suffocated I'd die. Meaning if I deal with my shit while everyone is right there. They'd see my emotions and try even harder to fix me and I'd probably go back down the suicide road. And I don't want that. Those thoughts of dying, of leaving have never left completely, and they aren't being put into action. But they are always a threat.