My Mind.

05/17/13

Oooh, I'm on a role. I'm updating again. Well, enjoy this confusion.

I don't know what to do with happy feelings. 

They're unknown.

But if I feel happy its rare, and it doesn't last long.

I have friends.

Amazing friends. 

Not many.

But at least I have friends.

Being around them is a great distraction, and I feel happy.

If that's even possible.

But once I leave them I feel worse.

The happiness doesn't last.

It actually makes the dark emotions worse. 

I don't know how. 

Its like subconsciously, leaving from my friends company is being interpreted into no one wants to be around me. 

I mean it hast to be partially true.

Right?

Who wants to be around some like me?

Someone so depressed.

So ugly. 

According to my friends and family I'm beautiful. 

Are they just saying that to make me feel better?

I don't know.

I don't think I want to know.

No one ever likes me more than a friend.

I'll always be the friend who has no one significant. 

But in conclusion of that...

I feel worse after being distracted by friends. 

Now onto the subject of my friends.

I love them, don't get me wrong. 

They know a lot about what I'm going through. 

And they haven't left...yet.

One friend thinks I just need to think of other things, think happy thoughts, punch a pillow instead of slice my skin. 

Fucking hell.

It's not that fucking easy. 

Another friend has many issues herself, involving food. (if you catch my drift)

We kind of just ignore each others problems and pretend we are fine.

Unless our emotions overwhelm us, and we throw them up on each other.

The third friend...

I don't know.

She didn't react much to what I told her about my "issues".

Which I appreciated a lot. 

But I feel slightly judge by her. 

I'm not sure. 

She's so self conscious, and emotionally dead. 

I can't even tell. 

Again I love them, don't get me wrong.

But sometimes its too mcuh.

Little things will piss me off. 

But I don't usually show it. 

Unless...my emotions become overwhelming (again haha), then I just get a bit out of control.

When that happens I share my thoughts and feelings.

I expose myself and make myself vulnerable. 

I hate it.

I don't like doing that. 

I've been trying not to.

One friend got on my case about the music I listen to.

I had been telling her how I still don't have my music back. (fucking parents took it away)

She said, "Why don't you ask if you can listen to Jack Johnson, something nicer, and softer." (or something like that)

Fuck off.

People don't understand that the music I listen helps me through so much.

Listening to Jack Johnson, super sweet happy music, will just make me want to cut.

Okay I'm kidding, but in all seriousness some singers make life sound like its heaven and everything is wonderful.

When the truth is the complete opposite. 

When that friend found out I like "screamo music", she flipped. 

"NO! Why, would you listen to that?!?!" 

OR like another friend (who doesn't even live in the same fucking country)

"You LIKE that music?!? Why?!?! They sound like they're dying!!!"

Dude.

I'm being legit.

That's what they said.

FUCK OFF. 

OMFG.

They are the ones that listen to sugar coated shit.

Okay, I'm being mean now.

But don't fuck with me when it come to the music I listen to

OR 

The way I feel, or do to myself.

People like to do what they are told not to do. 

Anyways...

I feel worse after I feel "happy".

Why?

I have no fucking idea.

What I've learned is happiness doesn't last, or hardly exist.

So, any guesses why I feel like this? Cuz I have no fucking idea.

I have questions and I really want them answered. 

But that rarely happens.

I'm thinking about my next enrty being on my sexuality, and that stuff. 

What do ya think? Yay, nay?