My Mind.

05/27/13

Dedicated this to ones who have added this to their reading list! But also to the ones who actually comment and care! :D

I've realized I have become dark in some sorts.

And this darkness is expressed in my art...of course.

If that were not to happen things would go down hill for me.

Well, more down hill than they are now.

I would literally go insane.

I would probably start doing some crazy shit. 

Or think crazier shit than I am now.

And that's a scary thought.

I think it could get to the point of me going so crazy, so mad, that I'd hurt someone.

I don't want to hurt anyone.

Emotionally or physically.

Hurting others makes me hurt.

I'm an empathetic person.

I'm proud of that. 

I don't want to hurt myself.

Yes, there has been many times where I have wanted to, and that's all that could ease the pain.

But now I don't want to hurt myself anymore.

The thoughts and urges to hurt myself are still there of course, but at least I don't want them there anymore.

Well, for the most part.

It's just hard.

Really hard.

I'm hurting to hurt...to cover up the hurt. (does that make sense?)

(Okay writing and thinking about my emotions is making me so...ugh angry.)

Complicated.

My mind is so damn complicated.

It's so complex.

Everything I think is so complex, and I don't know why.

It's not normal.

Is it?

Is it normal to think about every single feeling I have, and wonder why I have it, how I got it? Was it because of an experience I've had in my past, or because of what someone said to me, or something I read or heard? How do others feel when they have this emotion? Do they feel it like me, or completely different? What do others picture in their mind?...Probably not what I picture.

I feel like I experience, see, hear, understand thing differently than others.

Not like every single other person.

But I swear not many people think as complex as me. (that makes me sound like I think that I'm smarter/better than everyone else, but I do NOT think that.)

I can create, write, draw, paint, express myself, explain myself so perfectly in my own mind. 

But no one knows because I can hardly get it out of my mouth, or hand. 

That's probably one of the most frustrating parts. 

My mind is amazing. 

And I see that.

But no one else can. 

I'm dyslexic, and I know that has to do with transferring things from my mind, to get  out my mouth or on to paper.

Many people do not understand, or can comprehend the way I explain things, or say things, or how I understand things.

I understand so much. 

It's crazy!

But no one believes me because when I try to express that I do understand...I can't...or it comes out confusing.

(The one thing I'm pretty sure I'll never understand is algebra. Fuck math.)

The only way I feel like I can express myself clearer is through forms of art. 

But it's not always easy.

I have the most beautiful pictures, designs, and ideas in my head.

Yet again I have the hardest time actually creating it.

But when I do, I have this amazing sense of satisfaction and completeness.

Not being able to explain my own complex mind is well, complex. 

So I apologize if none of this whole journal makes sense to no one. I'm just trying to make things more understandable for me. And to be completely honest, even though this can be frustrating it has helped so much!!! 

I seem to be a lot better at helping others through there hardships, confusion, and problems...so if you need help or someone to talk to, or vent at, please talk to me. (:  

Thank you to all the amazing people who have read this! And voted and who have put this on their reading list.(:

If you want me to read a story or something of yours...well then fucking ask me!

Have a nice day, or night, or whatever the fuck you want it to be! XD