My Mind.

06/29/13

*So I went to warped tour!!! And that made me really happy! I got to meet two band members from Oh, Sleeper, and they signed my shirt! Every band I saw was amazing!*

I feel stuck.

In so many ways.

Emotionally.

Mentally.

And again I just don't know.

I don't know what to do.

I'm not moving forward.

I feel like if I don't move forward I'll move backwards.

But in some twisted way I don't want to move forward.

I don't want to move backwards either.

I'm not content with where I am though...

It's like I don't want to be happy.

Or I don't believe that it's possible.

Or I'm afraid of being happy.

When I think of me afraid of being happy I go back to how it's impossible for me to be happy.

Or so it seems that way.

(Dammit I just remembered I have therapy on Monday. Oh shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Okay I'm going to punch a wall, or maybe cry. :/ )

Happiness is a mask.

Not all the time.

But so much of the happiness in this world is fake.

People use happiness to cover up their hurt, their problems, their insanity.

Insanity.

What does that even mean?

Is it something that happens to someone who has gone crazy and can't act on their own accord, and so they are put in some mental institution?

No.

That's not it at all.

Insanity is the lose of being able to cope.

That's how everyone stays sane.

We cope.

We cope with life.

With our problems.

With our hurt.

With everything.

But you can't cope with everything.

So everyone is insane in one way or another.

Some people are just able to cope with more.

Or so it seems...

Maybe coping is really just a way of being passive?

A way of shoving your hurt farther down in your heart?

Maybe that's what coping is for some people.

I know that's how it is for me.

But that coping doesn't last long.

I always come back to a crack in my heart and it bursts.

I feel that deep pain of my heart breaking again.

I'm starting to feel that pain yet again.

And to be a honest I'm afraid.

If my heart breaks again I won't be able to control my actions or thoughts.

My heart is so weak.

I've tried sewing it back together since the last time it broke.

But I feel like there are too many pieces to sew together.

I don't know if I can cope anymore.

Or if I've already stopped coping.

Maybe I'm not sanely insane anymore.

Just insane.