My Mind.

05/06/13

If you're looking for encouragement I wouldn't recommend reading my entries. I'm pretty hopeless. :( If you ever need to vent I'm here.(: I won't tell you I understand because no one can fully understand you, but I won't tell you to feel some other way, or to not do certain things. I know what responses make things worse. But all in all maybe you can learn something, get the point of view of a depressed, suicidal teen. Let me tell you though, being the way I am right now is not fun. :/

I've decided to keep my emotions tucked under my heart. 

It seems smarter to do that. (haha suuuure)

(I'm not advising anyone to do this, I'm actually doing the opposite.)

I've let my emotions take complete control. 

I keep telling people things and sharing how I feel. 

I'm done. 

I'm not doing that anymore. 

I can't depend on others. 

It only leads to disappointment, and the feeling of betrayal for me.

No one knows how to respond or react to any of this. 

It's always "I understand", or "Please don't do this to yourself." or " Do things that make you feel happy." or "Just think about the people who would miss you." or "Think happy thoughts!" 

Damn it.

Do people think it's that easy???

First of all, you will NEVER understand. 

You have to understand that no one will ever understand you or what you're going through completely.

Everyone reacts differently to things. 

Understand that you cannot understand. 

Because saying you do doesn't help in any way.

Don't tell me not to do what I do, or feel how I feel. 

That makes it worse, and helps in no way. 

Don't tell me to do things that make me happy, because happiness is over rated (anyone else agree?)

Also, don't tell me to think about the people who would miss me if I left. 

I know I'm loved, but deep down somewhere I don't think many people would miss me. 

I think I'm a burden. 

And life tends to be better without burdens. 

This is partially why I'm going to try and keep my emotions, and mouth shut up. 

I'm fine, I always end up fine. 

It's a lie, but telling myself that I WILL be fine, helps. 

If people truly understood they wouldn't even think of asking these questions.

In conclusion, telling people how I feel and think just ends in them pretending to understand, asking me painful questions, suddenly treating me differently, like I could break any second, and people thinking they need to protect me from myself.

It really is funny.

Why would you protect me from myself when I'm the only one that fully understands?

If you think about it, the only way I can ever truly get better is by figuring out me, and my heart and mind. 

People and their reactions are just becoming distractions, and are literally making it too hard to understand myself. 

So others "understanding" (if I can even call it that) Is blocking my own understanding of myself. 

Keeping me aways from others might end in me getting better, or worse. 

I'm not sure, because I haven't been alone in about a month.

I'm going insane. 

And not a sane insane, but a full blown INSANE. 

I cope with this by completely shutting down my emotions.

To be honest it's easier to be a zombie than a human.

But I miss my emotions, so sometimes I flip the ON switch. 

I seem to turn my emotions back on at the wrong time though, because I end up opening my mouth and out flies my emotions.

So today I guess I've decided to let me, myself, and I to deal with me, myself, and I.

I have doubt that it'll work. 

I just don't what to talk to others and let them know how I feel and especially know my thoughts. 

I might be becoming a psychopath thinking I need to protect my mind from the world and assumptions it'll give. 

But I'd much rather get rid of fake understanding and stupid assumptions.

I'd rather be a screwed up psychopath, than someone who is easily wavered by others and what they say, and someone who loses touch with themselves. 

I could be wrong. 

I never know anymore. 

The one thing I know is that I won't give up. 

I will live my life.

I will not be changed by this world. 

And I will be the one that helps myself. 

I would say fix, except I hate that word. 

It's s negative word, in my opinion.

Trying to fix someone is simple telling them that they cannot be themselves because they are a problem that needs to be changed.

Things that are a problem and that are messed up apparently need fixing.

Fix isn't the word though, because no one is quite fixable.

We just need to find the beauty in our ugliness.

That will be how we overcome this world.

Thanks to the few people who actually take time from their day to read my crap.(: