My Mind.

06/16/13

*Well to start off... Thank you guys! I love you all so much! I really appreciate the comments, votes, and recommendations.(: inbox me, my friends! I wanna get to know some of you guys. For fucks sake you guys are reading my fucking journal haha! Well thank you, thank you, thank you! This all helps me so much, I can even explain it. 

XOXO  

~Alex*

I'm searching.  

For what exactly? 

I'm not sure.  

Anything I guess.  

A reason.  

A purpose.  

Peace. 

Mmmm, yes peace.  

That would make everything just right, at least for a while.  

Maybe I'm searching for someone to love me. (Beside my family) 

Do my friends really even care? 

Do they love me? 

Or am I just another extra weight in there life. 

Most of the time that's what I think.  

I'm too much of a burden.  

That's why it's better to stay away.  

If you think about it I'm being helpful.  

Would I really be missed by them? 

They'd easily find a new friend, right? 

I love my friends too much for my own good.  

I wonder...do I care and love more than everyone else?  

Am I wasting my time?

{You know what I really want to do? 

I wanna leave this dumb state I live in.  

I want to live some place where no one knows me or about my problems.  

Wear I can wear skinny jeans, jackets, and closed toed shoes most of the time. ( too hot where I live :p)}

I don't want to say it, but is my life a waste of time? 

I hope not. 

Oh...oh God. 

Please don't let me be a waste of time.  

I want to be worth something.  

I want to be loved to the fullest.  

I want someone that will look at me and only me. (I know I'm fucking selfish) 

Will that ever happen? 

Will I ever feel happy? 

Be happy? 

Is that even possible? 

Am I too broken? 

Can I be mended? 

Most days I doubt it.  

Any sort of positive feeling doesn't last.  

Like a high.  

It eventually goes away and you're back to your normal boring self. 

(No I haven't done drugs...well *ahem* technically no) 

Should I keep trying? 

I pretty much have given up. 

I'm done trying to please this fucking world. 

I'm me.  

I'm fucked up.  

I love coffee too much.  

I love music too much.  

I just tend to love things too much.  

It keeps me alive in a way.

But as Gerard Way said, 

"It's okay to love something a little too much, as long as it's real to you."

Hey! I'm still alive! 

I'm proud of myself.  

I've lost a lot.  

But I'm still breathing...for the most part.

Mark Twain: "Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most."

*So just to tell you something random... 

Many of my friends think the music I listen to is satanic, disturbing, awful sounding, and depressing. Psssh they listen to fucking pop music...shoot me! Just cuz music has screaming in it doesn't mean they are singing about dying or killing. And if it does it's a fucking metaphor. Got to school, god dammit. And so what if my music is depressing. At least they are singing about something real. About life, and problems. Not partying, sex, and degrading women.  

So fuck them. I love my music. (Sorry my friends...not really) 

Okay that was harsh...eek :/*