My Mind.

05/16/13

OH WAIT. I'm back? Idk...shit is shit. I just can't post entries daily *sniff*. Sooo I've realized when I feel a certain emotion strongly I cuss a lot... so if you don't like fucking cussing...well I fucking suggest you fucking go fucking somewhere fucking else. Please? Okay, I'm sorry. But enjoy this shiiit. XD

Fuck feelings.

They're so damn confusing.

I can't even name the emotions I feel anymore. 

It's fucking weird. 

Its like I'm walking, there's fog surrounding me, and I can't see a foot in front of me. 

Then all of a sudden something rushes past me, or I run into something, and I can't identify it. 

Unless these emotions happen to be depression. 

But depression is just a bad mixture of negative feelings that are transformed into a knife that repeatedly stabs me. 

I usually can identify the feelings. 

Now...I don't even fucking know.

There are the main ones:

Desperation.

Anger.

Sadness.

Overwhelmingness.

Self-hatred.

Anxiety. 

Suicidal. (yes, that's an emotion)

Panic. 

Paranoia. (those last three aren't true for every single person struggling w/depression, but they are fucking common)

But I'm realizing there are so many more. 

So many, that they all equal up to confusion.

Trying to describe how I feel is literally impossible. 

Which is scary.

Very scary.

I'm scared.

Scared of the unknown...which happens to be many of my countless emotions.

Fuck. 

I need to scream or something. 

I just want to take back this emotional knife and stab something else.

Not my heart.

Not my mind. 

Not me. 

Spare me?

That's all I ask.

But of course the only way is through. 

Fuck everything.

And almost everyone.

The best way for me to distract myself or release this confusion is through painting, or some sort of art.

I've been painting so much lately.

My therapist(s) (the rapist, ahahah!) have said for me to let my emotions to be expressed in art.

Which is what I've been doing for quite some time.

She also said to put a color or form to my emotions since I can't put words to them.

I have to say that's a pretty genius idea. 

But I still find her annoying.

God, 

Help me?

My faith has been suffering also.

Too many unanswerable questions.

But that's normal for my age.

16. 

Right?

It's so hard to believe in something I cannot see.

I want to believe in an after life.

Some where without pain, or suffering.

Yet again I'm confused. 

*screams*

My life is just one fucking unanswerable question.

Well, I hope that's just for now.

OR

I'm going down the suicide path again. 

That place is dark. 

The darkest thing anyone can experience. 

Have you ever wanted to die so bad that you thought of slitting your wrists?

Bleeding until you had no blood left. 

Or going to sleep and never waking up? 

Have you actually turned that thought into an action?

The funny thing is whenever I go back to those thoughts/emotions I feel somewhat of a comfort. 

It is literally the most fucked up thing.

It's so dark.

So scary.

So familiar.

So it becomes comforting, even if it's the scariest thing I can experience. 

Many days I just want to lay in bed and wonder in my thoughts.

I want to try and figure out my thoughts. 

*CLICK* ( I just figured something out...maybe)

Woah.

I guess depression for me is also my trying to figure out my thoughts.

It can be a kind of disguise. 

I don't know. 

I think I might just be confusing myself more. 

Well, I think I'm going to paint, or walk, or scream my confusion out. 

Later, fuckers. XD

Thank you to the people that read this shit, and for voting!

Need someone to talk to? Guess what? I'm here!!! 

Inbox me any of your shit you wanna talk about. 

I'm not gonna judge. I mean seriously look at me...