Catch Me When I Fall

Deep Conversations

I hesitate. It's not something I'm proud of. 

I don't like sharing it. 

But, seeing Khai's going to be around for a while and I have no intention of cutting off our friendship anymore, I decide I can do it.

"I have bi-polar." I tell him.

There it's done.

But apparently, Khai doesn't think so. 

He sits there, waiting for me to explain myself further.

"There's depressive episodes and manic episodes. Bi-polar 1 means you're mostly manic, and your depressive episodes are shorter and less severe. Bi-polar 2 is the opposite, so you're depressed most of the time and your manic episodes are shorter and less severe. There's also a rapid-cycling bi-polar which means you have more than four episodes or mood swings within a year." I explain.

"So... which one do you have?" Khai wants to know.

"I'm pretty sure I have bi-polar 1. I do get a lot of mood swings, but they're not necessarily episodes. My manic episodes are quite severe." I pause to exhale deeply. "It's a really tough disorder to live with. Not that I'm comparing." I clarify.

Khai nods, seeming somewhat sad.

"You feel your emotions really intensely, right?" I ask, diverting the attention again.

"Yeah... ADHD's are deep feelers. We generally feel emotions more intensely then neurotypicals. I get headaches from them sometimes." Khai shares.

"That must suck."

"Yeah."

The two of us are silent for a few seconds, but Khai's curiosity prompts him to asks more questions.

"So... are you usually manic?"

I nod.

"When I'm manic, I have a lot of energy. Probably why I workout so much. And because of the increased amount of energy, I also don't get much sleep. It's fine, though, cause I don't really need it when I'm manic anyway."

"So... are you happy when you're manic? You get extreme highs, right?"

"I do, but I'm usually just aggressive. People who are manic tend to get ticked off easily. I have that a lot. I get angry so quickly. I'm easily irritated and I can be impulsive or risky sometimes.  I have more of an angry bi-polar."

"And what about depressive episodes?"

I stay quiet for a few seconds, then look down at the floor.

"They get really bad sometimes. But they are shorter. Not as severe as my manic episodes, but still severe. I was just coming out of a dip when you started school. I think my brain tricked itself into thinking you were the reason it went away. Maybe that's why I have such a positive sentient towards you. I don't know." I pause.

"I'm so happy you don't hate me." Khai says, his voice holding the relief he is feeling.

"I don't think I could. You're... an odd kind of special." I say before realizing that I'm saying things that I probably shouldn't say to him.

Yep. 

He's blushing.

"Oh, you're actually really sweet, Ty."

I fake a smile, knowing it's not really true.

"I don't know, Khai. You don't know me that well yet. You can't just hope I'm a good person and then pretend that I am. Look at how much drama I've already caused in your life in just a few weeks."