Wicked Souls

01

I sat in a small freezing room, that felt like a cell, I looked towards the male sitting in front of me, he was speaking in a soothing tone but I didn't dare to speak, everyone was listening and I wasn't comfortable, I played with my fingers I looked at the male. I was mute.

"Hello Aella, how are you feeling today?" he asked.

I didn't speak but I watched him.

"I understand, we can sit in silence if that is what you prefer. It is quite important to me that I make you feel as comfortable as possible," he said soothingly.

"Do you feel that your silence speaks volumes about your feelings, or are you simply not a very talkative person?" he looks at me.

I just shrugged as I listened to everything he said.

"I understand. I do not want to make any assumptions about why you do not talk or force you to communicate if you do not want to," he grabbed his handkerchief from his pocket and then placed it in front of him.

I just watch his movement, distinctively.

He takes a deep breath and stays silent for a moment, waiting to see if I will say anything.

When I don't speak, he continues.

"If we are going to have a productive and successful therapy session, it is important for me to understand your unique thoughts and feelings. Without words, it is very difficult for me to gain a full picture of your situation," he spoke.

He pauses again, waiting for her to speak up. He nods slightly in encouragement, encouraging me to break the silence.

"If it would help you feel more comfortable, I am willing to talk as much or little as you would like. We can even engage in non-verbal communication if that is something that would put you at ease. Whatever it takes to make you feel safe and understood. I am here to support you," he said softly as he looked into my eyes.

He pauses and waits for me to react, hoping that I will open up and say something. The silence was still creeping in however I spoke.

"Me and the devil," I said quietly but I didn't look at him.

He nods in acknowledgement, recognising that I am struggling with very difficult thoughts.

"You and the devil... This is a powerful, and often very painful internal struggle," he pauses.

Before he spoke again "Do you find that your thoughts of you and the devil often occur in silence? Or does the devil speak to you, urging you to act in certain ways," he asked.

He smiles gently.

"It is perfectly understanding that you feel intimidated by discussing the devil, particularly if you feel that he could be listening," he said.

His tone is soft and reassuring.

"Please know that this is a safe space. Nothing that is said here will leave this room," he waits for me to respond. He wants to make sure that I feel comfortable speaking my thoughts out loud, without fear.

"It's not a he," I opened up slightly.

The psychiatrist's eyebrow raises as a sign of interest, waiting for me to elaborate.

But I didn't continue. I looked down at my hands and played with my fingers.

He stays silent, allowing me to speak at my own pace. He notices that I am playing with my fingers and wonders if I am using it as a way of self-soothing, or a way of keeping myself grounded in this moment.

He takes a deep breath, trying to create a comfortable environment for me to express myself.

"May I ask you a question?" he asked, I nodded.

"What do you believe represents the devil in your thoughts?" he hopes to gain some insight into what is troubling me; specifically what I perceive as the 'devil' in my thoughts. This is crucial information that he needs to have to better understand the internal struggles that I am facing, and how he can help me work through them.

"She, the devil. Is real," I said softly but I didn't look at him, I just picked at my fingernails.

His eyebrows raised again, this time in surprise. It is one thing for a person to use the idea of the devil as a representation of internal conflict but it is quite another if they believe the devil is a real entity. The psychiatrist feels compelled to clarify this point to gain a deeper understanding of my thoughts and feelings.

"I see. So this devil that you speak of... She... Is a real being, not just a representation of your internal struggles?" he looked at me.

I nodded and I said quietly "I'm not crazy,".

He nods in return, letting me know that he believes me.

"Of course not. I am not going to label you as crazy, or as someone who struggles with delusions," he said.

His voice is gentle and soothing.

"I am simply trying to gain a clearer understanding of the nature of your internal dilemma. I need to understand you so that I can provide you with the appropriate treatment,".

"Could you tell me more about this devil? Do you see her in the room with us right now?"

I shook my head.

"I see..."

He makes a mental note that I have no hallucinations. This will be helpful information moving forward. The psychiatrist wants to delve deeper into this topic to a better understanding of what I am dealing with.

"If it's alright with you, I would like to ask more questions about her. Is that something you feel comfortable with?" he looks at me.

I nodded.

He smiles gently, recognising my willingness to engage in this conversation.

"Thank you for your openness," he pauses for a moment and takes a deep breath, preparing for what could be a difficult line of questioning. He wants to create a safe and supportive environment where I feel comfortable expressing myself, but he also needs to know more about this mysterious devil to effectively assist me. His tone is soft and understanding as he proceeds.

"What does she look like?"