will we talk? {sam fender}

44

"i'm sorry" lacy cries into my shoulder, my heart won't stop beating at a rapid speed. she's been dealing with all of this inside her mind for weeks and i had no idea.

"i'm sorry" she repeats with tears falling down so fast not even her cheeks could catch them, i let out a long breath and rest my chin on top of her head. her body instantly relaxes.

"stop apologising" i whisper "i should be the one apologising. god i'm so sorry lac, i don't even know what to say"

"it's not your fault, it's me and my stupid brains fault" she whispers moving her head away. she starts to pick at the rip i'm her jeans pulling threads out slowly one by one.

"so how do we make it stop?" i question, it's a question that needs to be asked even if she doesn't like it.

"sam i'm not going to therapy it's a ridiculous idea" she sighs, this girl can read my mind.

"it's not a ridiculous idea, so many people go to therapy lac, it's so normal. i'll even go with you if you want" i tell her

"what the fuck do i tell them? that my brain is all messed up and imagines my boyfriend killing himself every night"

when she puts it like that it's such an outrageous thing to happen to her, but clearly her mums control over her, her ex boyfriend, harry and turning famous over night is catching up to her. it can't be easy

"lacy you've been through so much, therapy may be good for more then just your sleep" i whisper trying not to make her mad. her head spins around to me

"i have not been through 'so much'" she mocks me throwing her hands up.

"no lacy i don't mean it like that-" she cuts me off

"yes you do! you mean it in exactly that way, like i'm a fucking psycho, like i'm a freak! clearly i must need fucking help because i've had two boyfriend abuse me and now my boyfriend is suicidal!" she shouts

tears come to my eyes as i watch her realise what she has just said, i feel angry just because she's shouted at me. but i can't shout back. i can't fuck things up just before she goes on tour.

she opens her mouth and closes it again to shut herself up, and to make sure she doesn't talk she gets up and storms off.

i run after her easily catching up but she brushes me off.

"lac"

"sorry, i'm sorry. but if i stay sat there with you any longer sam then more stupid words are going to fall out of my stupid fucking mouth because i'm just so stupid!" she sniffs still speed walking.

"your not stupid"

she laughs at me but doesn't face to look at me, her eyes are fixed on in front of her as she keeps walking. me following her like a lost puppy.

"i just fuck everything up!" she suddenly comes to a halt letting out a sob into the cold night air, it feels good to stop walking so fast.

"your not fucking anything up lover" i say placing my hand on her cheek, her head falls into it before moving back up and away. away from me.

"it's just so frustrating! why am i so fucking messed up! why is my brain coming up with those things!"

"we're all messed up lac, your having a normal reaction after dean and my mum put this responsibility on you without knowing. your allowed to feel upset, or be scared. but i promise you i love you too much to do anything like that. and i also love you too much to watch you suffer and not do anything about it. your brushing this all off like it's normal, you have done for weeks, you scream and cry each night and then wake up in the morning asking if i want a coffee. lacy you need help"

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lacy

"lacy you need help"

his eyes are flickering with tears as he looks into mine, i don't know how to react to him. there are so many emotions going through my body and i don't know what one i want to show.

i feel broken, like i can't control how i display myself or what i say.

"and i'm not saying it to be rude, i'm saying it because i love you so much and i care so much about you and that means i want you to be healthy both physically and mentally. that's not happening when your like this"

no words are coming out of my mouth, i feel broken. like i can't control how i display myself or what i say.

my body starts to move itself, away from sam, away from the car and away from the direction that i know.

my legs speed up until i'm running so fast into no where. i don't know where i am going. but once i can no longer hear sams footsteps behind me or him shouting my name i come to realise what i am doing.

running away from a situation i made. like always.

the first time my ex hit me it was because i said i wanted to go to a party, i should have known better. i knew he wouldn't have wanted me to go. it's my fault he hit me.

i pushed my limits after my brother died, drinking every drink possible and going to every club possible. no wonder mum got so controlling. it's my fault she wanted to control my life.

i knew better then to be close friends with sam while dating harry. no wonder he kicked me out of his house that day. it's my fault he pushed me so hard until i bruised.

and the dreams. i knew better then to wait weeks before opening up about it. it's my fault i'm in the state i am.

it's my fault i'm fucked up

it's my fault sam probably hates me now

it's my fault i haven't tried to fix myself

it's my fault life just feels so shit

everything is my fault.