will we talk? {sam fender}

62

"fuck mum" i gasp on call to her, she's in tears. i want to cry just hearing her like that. it's been 2 days since i found out, i've come back home with lewis now but sam has been messaging me non stop making sure i'm ok.

"i'm sorry lacy" she whispers

"mum please don't apologise it's not your fault. do you think it's best if i move back home?" i suggest wiping my hand over my face.

i'm forcing myself to not cry right now, she can't hear me crying.

"i don't want you to put your life on hold for me" she sighs "there's still hope"

there is no hope, i think we all know this. finding breast cancer at stage 4, even the doctor has told her the chemo most likely won't do anything.

it's too late for her to get rid of her breasts, it is likely the cancer has spread to other places. they are still testing for that now.

"mum, i'm going to move back down, it's not an inconvenience at all. your my mum"

i wipe the tears away and sigh, i can hear a voice in the background "mrs wright, your test results have come back"

my stomach drops as i realise it's her doctor "lacy i'll let you know ok?"

"ok" i sniff "i love you"

"i love you too love, it's okay"

—————
sam any updates? x

lacy stage 4 breast cancer, she's being told rn if it's spread
lacy i think we all know how this is going to end

sam lac you can't think like that, please have some hope

lacy why does it have to be her

sam i know. it's so shit
sam we're all here for you darlin x

lacy ty but ik sophie couldn't give two shits rn

sam sophie doesn't know, she won't even talk to dean rn because he stuck up for you

lacy god that's all my fault
lacy ffs please tell dean i'm so sorry

sam you can't blame yourself for sophie being a big baby

lacy fuck mums calling again

sam it'll be fine x
sam here for you x

————
how does a woman who has never smoked a cigarette in her life get lung cancer. fucking lung cancer.

life is so unfair

"oh my god" i choke, i can't breath as she hangs up the phone crying, i could hear my dad comforting her in the background also crying.

"fuck" i gasp, sam is messaging me. i'm shaking so much i can't answer "fuck"

there's a knock on my door before lewis walks in, his smile drops as soon as he sees me. i place my palm on my chest trying to study on my breathing

"lacy. shit breath" he says rushing over to me and sitting next to me on the bed "what's happening? are you having a panic attack"

i can't get any words out, i can't even move my hands, i'm shaking violently. there are tears spilling out of my eyes and the world is spinning

"lacy breath"

my ears are ringing, i'm going to be sick.

i run off my bed and into the en suite, i basically fall to the floor in a mess throwing up. the sick spills out of me splashing into the toilet.

i'm in such a state i don't even realise lewis had followed me in, he's holding my hair looking away.

once i've finished i lean backwards against the bath tub, i haven't thrown up in a few weeks, and i hate the satisfaction it has just given me.

something in my brain is happy over the fact that i have thrown up the only thing i've eaten today, a strawberry.

"jesus lacy" lewis says flushing the toilet and passing me my toothbrush "are you pregnant or something? is that why you haven't been hungry lately?"

i shake my head "lewis she's going to die"

his mouth is in a straight line and his eyebrows furrow "the tests came back?"

i nod wiping away my tears "stage 4, it's spread to her lungs" i tell him, he gets on the floor with me and gives me a hug

"fuck i'm so sorry"

"i'm going to move back to london...if that's okay" i tell him, he lets out a laugh and looks at me

"you don't have to ask for my permission"

i crawl into bed that night in an almost numb state, i can hear lewis in his bedroom talking to someone, even though he is trying to be quiet.

my eyes sting with tears as i realise he is talking to sam. fuck sam. i forgot to message him back after this all.

"she's in bed now mate" lewis says to him, i hear a few yeses and no's "god sam i didn't know what the fuck to do, has she ever had a panic attack with you?"

i have, multiple. and sam always knows what to do. but i couldn't have expected that from lewis and that's not his fault.

"she's moving to london" lewis tells sam "god i know, i guess her and her dad need to be there for each other"

there talking about what will happen when my mum dies, i know it.

"you can't go with her" lewis laughs, god no he can't come with me. i think that will just create more problems "sam she's 21, she knows what she is doing"

do i? funnily enough i've never had my mum die before

"of course it's not the same as jacob but i'm just saying it's not the first time she has lost someone"

there talking about my brother. losing jacob was a weird experience sure, and it hurt so much but losing my mum isn't even going to compare to this

my mum is my mum. the woman that gave me life, she's meant to be there with me for my whole life. she's meant to watch me walk down the isle, and hold my hand when i give birth, and tell me what to do when i have a daughter.

we've not always had a good relationship, sure i'll admit that. and at times i've hated her. but she's my mum

the woman i look up to

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authors note: HELP IM WRITING THIS ON MOTHER's DAy 😭😭😭