will we talk? {sam fender}

84

sam

"lac?" i groan out loud, my head is pounding rapidly. i roll over in bed and it's empty, her flat is silent

i sit up and wipe the sleep away from my eyes. getting up makes my whole world spin and nausea hits me immediately.

i search around the large flat for any sign of her, it's not until i reach the kitchen where there is a greggs and note that i stop searching

at the studio, i'll be home at 1 x
-lacy

i look up at the big black clock above her sink, it's 12:59. wow perfect timing. i put the kettle on and dig into my sausage roll while i wait for both the kettle to boil and for my girlfriend to return home

if im honest i don't remember anything from last night, i can't remember getting here or even getting that drunk.

i finally hear the door unlock followed by the small footsteps of lacy, her small figure lurks in the doorway

"hey" i smile walking over to her, she smiles slightly but drops it immediately again. she looks sadder than she should be

"what's wrong" i frown

"nothing, are you sober now?" she says dryly walking straight past me and into the kitchen for a glass of water

"yes..." i mumble following her taking another bite of my sausage roll "what happened last night?"

"of course you don't remember" she scoffs running a hand across her face

"im sorry was i a dick?" i laugh "im known to do stupid things when drunk"

however she doesn't laugh along with me making my stomach drop, i feel sick enough already

"whatever" she huffs taking her glass of water and walking out of the room. i rush after not even giving her the chance to get to her bedroom

"lacy tell me what i did i'm sure i can fix it" i say, she opens her bedroom door and collapses on her bed

"it's fine sam. if doesn't matter" she says bluntly

"please just tell me"

she is silent, clearly ignoring me as she scrolls through her phone

"lac-"

"for fuck sake sam! how do you not remember shouting at me? telling me i've been cheating on you?!"

i hesitate, i don't know what to say to that. fuck i feel bad, i don't remember any of that. "fuck im sorry darlin"

she wipes a small tear away from her eye and sniffs looking up at me "it's ok. you were drunk"

"im so sorry. i never meant to get you down like that" i sigh moving next to her and wrapping my around her "it was just meant to be a small drink with the lads"

"it always is"
————
lacy
september 2nd

3 weeks later and somehow he has done the exact same thing 4 times.

it's exhausting. im exhausted. he's exhausted.
there is no stopping it, no matter how much i try he always has a reason to be mad at me.

and the next morning, every time he says "im sorry i didn't mean to get you down"

like that's meant to help? you can apologise all you want but the damage has already been done. it was done when you called me a cheater, or told me im so difficult to be with.

————
sam

i try again
i studied the patterns
i see the triggers
but i can't shake them loose
and all of my anger
you take on the chin
and i get you down
i get you down
get you down

i never fought back
just stood there humiliated
from the schoolyard to home
from the streets that we roam
and now i get you down

i catch myself in a mirror
see a pathetic little boy
who's come to get you down
get you down
get you down
get you down
————
october

"what the fuck is going on lacy because there is no way you and sam are okay" sophie sighs at me placing a hand on my leg with a sympathetic smile.

i don't even know where the tears come from but they spill uncontrollably. clearly i needed to get that out, i haven't cried in a while.

"oh girl" sophie says pulling me into a tight hug, we're sat in her spacious living room, the cream sofa underneath us

"god im sorry" i sniff "your meant to be the emotional one, your 8 months pregnant" i laugh

"tell me everything"

"he's just so angry all the time" i sob "and it's getting to the point where i feel like i've just given up on him. im persistently getting phone calls from dean, or tom or joe to tell me he is drunk again"

"im going to fucking murder him!" sophie yells as her hands form into fists

"there's always something i've done to make him angry!" i groan "the first time he thought i was cheating on him, then the next time it was because i didn't reply to him then it was i was too busy for a date night with him. it just feels like there is always something wrong"

"lacy none of this is your fault. he's just an angry person in general"

"i've just never seen him this angry" i sniff wiping my tears away from my face

"i may not be as close to him as dean or you but i know the times he gets most angry is when he isn't doing okay mentally. when his mental health is bad he gets it out through his anger"

"but he hasn't mentioned anything?" i question, then it hits me. he probably hasn't told me because of what happened last time i found out about his mental health.

i had nightmares for months and then pulled a runner.

"shit sophie i need to fix this"