💡🐇 Naughty Thoughts

💧✓🕴️ Princess and the Pee

A weird idea, inspired by a half-recalled memory from a tabletop RPG many years ago. In that game, a character from a race with no lungs decided that he was an expert flute player; and when challenged on this declared that his race plays 'pee flutes'. And I ended up wondering about something like that.

The story would be set in a futuristic setting, where humanity has finally made first contact with a whole bunch of alien races. Now, we're trying to establish a trade treaty with a race who breathe through their pores; a thin layer of gas exchange surfaces covering their entire bodies. And, like the alien in that long-ago game, their orchestras have reed instruments that are filled with fluid rather than air. It seems strange to human sensibilities to pee into an instrument; but blowing air into one seems just as strange to the aliens. And some weird quirk of biology means that the aliens' urine smells like bacon to a human observer, so it took some time for us to realise what it actually was.

However... to make the treaty, we need to follow the traditions of both races. So they are going against their cultural mores to shake hands and write their names on a piece of paper; while the human representatives have to deal with the expectation of two ambassadors demonstrating their commitment to understanding each other by playing each other's national anthems.

We'd been negotiating for six months before the translators finally understood that we would have to show tolerance of their culture by having a human princess play the pee flute. And that's a pretty tall order, because royalty was abolished on Earth a couple of hundred years ago. But... we have a pop princess, and apparently that's close enough to impress the aliens. She has to learn a new instrument; and also go through the intensive training necessary to expand her bladder, so that she can manage the difficult two-minute solo in the alien anthem.

Everything starts to go wrong on the way to the ceremony, when the princess's car is delayed by a protest in the streets and she ends up running the last three miles to the conference centre. It's harder than it would otherwise have been, because she's been drinking a lot of fluids today in order to ensure she can complete her performance. And when she gets there and realises how much she's been sweating, this means that she might have to drink even more. But how much is too much? She knows she'll have to push her bladder to its limits, but in such a stressful situation that will be very hard to estimate.

Especially when the clock is counting down to performance time, and another unexpected delay means that it will be postponed until after an hour of socialising between the representatives of different races. Will humanity finally be guaranteed peaceful access to the space lanes, or is one princess about to experience the greatest embarrassment of her life?