Protector (HotchxMaleOC) (Book2)

13

*Aaron*

What have I done in my life to deserve Jacob?

He saw me struggling with everything that happened with Jessica earlier and tried to distract me. 

I tried to stay in that headspace, but everything was almost too much. 

Jacob wanted to take care of me. I couldn't even enjoy that without my mind going to Haley. Comparing Jacob to her. Making me feel guilty for even thinking that. 

Haley's gone. She should be left in the past. I should be focused on Jacob and our relationship. Developing it. Developing this new thing. This fragile thing. 

But then the stain Haley left on me makes itself known. 

Not once did anything within my and Haley's sex life for me. Haley was the one receiving pleasure. She had nights when all the focus was on her. I'm not going to sugarcoat it or lie, but there were nights when she was satisfied and I had to take care of myself in the bathroom or take a cold shower because Haley wanted to sleep. Claimed she couldn't sleep without being cuddled up to me after sex.

So having all of Jacob's attention on me not truly allowing me to take care of him at the same time was strange. 

Yes, I played into the factor but then I felt weird. An ick directed solely at myself. 

A feeling that Jacob 100% picked up on. 

"I can tell you're into this to some extent going by your body's response, however, you are not into it mentally or emotionally right now. What's wrong Aaron?"

Bring on even more of a heavily guilty feeling I have for my thoughts at this time. 

Now Jacob's thoughts are spiraling. I'm sure thinking he's done something wrong. 

God this is just a clusterfuck. 

I flipped us quickly to shake him out of those thoughts. 

"You're not taking advantage of me."

Now, now I'm in my element. Taking care of my partner. 

"How did..." 

"Profiler. But your facial expressions also dropped. I'm sorry I'm acting stiff, and disconnected. I'm not trying to make you feel bad for me not being present. I think right now, I need to know what you want to do."

"I want you. I want to take care of you. To be a distraction. To help you relax. To allow you to focus on something else for a little while."

God, what did I do to deserve Jacob? 

~Several days later~

Going through life and reflecting on things I realized some things. 

The main one is that Jacob and I need to talk about what happened the other night. I need him to know what was going on in my head. 

Communication, right?

Then I realized that to develop our relationship we also should create our lists, our limits. Make rules. Make contract. Create this dynamic. 

But again the priority is talking about the other night. 

~Hey can we talk?

~Is everything alright?

~Yeah, it's just.... communication is important in any relationship. I've been beating myself up over this for the past few days. About where my mind was the other night and I would like to talk it out with you.