When Royalties Clash | JJk ff

53

Y/N's pov:

I don't know when the room was cleared. I don't know when a few minutes turned into hours, I couldn't even feel Jungkook's occasional pats on my back and arm rubs.

This hurt more after I found out he was alive. It felt like giving a child his favorite candy, letting him hop around in excitement, scream in glee and then harshly snatching it away, taking the joy with it. It wouldn't have made the child cry like he did if the candy was out of his reach and all he could do was stare in despair. The ugly cry came out because they made him think of a future where he could have it and dream all about it and then forcefully taking it away. A very inhumane thing to do.

The grief made it hard to breathe, making my lungs congest hard enough to leave me breathless as I struggled for air. I couldn't tell if I wanted to breathe anymore. It felt too much of a hassle.

I took in his appearance with my blurry vision. The way his cheek bones protruded leaving a prominent hollow below had my heart aching. The chapped lips, the rough pale skin, the fading scars, the fresh ones, they gave away the torture he had been through. What did he ever do to go through such terrible things? Never in his entire life did he do something morally wrong. Then why?!

Why did he have to suffer!?- because of you.

A sinister voice at the back of my head answers and my breath gets caught in my throat making me choke. I feel my chest tighten and eyes sting with a fresh batch of tears as I cough hard. I was in a completely different zone to hear Jungkook nor in the state to look back at him and assure him of something I wasn't even sure of. What do I even tell him? 'I'm okay' but I'm not. 'I'll be okay' I can't guarantee that. 'I just need some time', time doesnt heal anything, you know it, Y/N. As always, it will just make you habitual to the pain and suffering, it can never lessen the intensity of it.

I feel my throat and chest hurt from the strength of my coughs as they soon subside and the moment they do, those words echo in my head like a chant.
Because of you.

I fist my hands on top of my brother's worn out shirt, nails digging into my palm. If it wasn't for me being here, at least he would have been alive. At least, he would have lived with a hope to get out of that place. At least....

I'm hit with a new wave of emotions, This one carrying nothing but guilt and disappointment. I feel guilty for existing, for breathing, for every moment I have ever smiled at, for the moments I have been happy. I don't deserve to be happy, not at the expense of my brother's life. And the fact there are many more to come makes me want to end my life right here and now. It could solve Everything. There won't be an angry Taehyung to have me at his mercy, there won't be a worried Jungkook wanting to protect his kingdom's peace and there won't be common people living in constant fear of being ruined in the decisions of the royalty.

So many things could be solved...I just have to do one thing to achieve that. Just a slit on the wrist or a fall from the room's window and everything would go back to normal, just like it was suppose to be. I was an odd placement anyway. I was never meant to be here, to be Jungkook's wife, to be Busan's queen. I will always be that simple village girl who wanted to make a living out of medicine. I can never be anything more.

I'm not in a state to think properly but whatever my mind is throwing at me, it feels rational and very practical. If one life can restore world peace, its a holy sacrifice. Its an honour.

You're being a coward. Another side of me tried to take over but I seemed to be detached from even my own self. The only things that consumed my mind and soul were guilt, regret and disappointment. No amount of love can bring a person back when these emotions take over. They are the most overpowering feelings in existence, they feed on you till there is nothing left of you, only a living corpse.