Yes, it's true, I just published a chapter called "I am the most successful being". I'll tell you why.
I am looking on a site called museum of conceptual art, and they have a page called,"Things Other People Accomplished
When They Were Your Age"
I am now going to "prove" how I am more successful than one of these people at every age.
Age 3:
Jodie Foster began to act professionally.
Well, I have some videos from age three, and I was quite the amazing actress.
Age 4:
Jose Raul Capablanca beat his father at chess.
Actually, I did this too, but I'm pretty sure he was going easy on me. Also, I think he was telling what moves to make.
Age 5:
Sergei Sergeyvich composed his first piano work.
Well, I don't think you know, but I am actually a great composer. I recently composed a piece called "DUH DUH DUH."
It is on any string instrument. First, put your bow on the g string. Then, run your bow repeatedly across the string.
The sound is somewhat like, "DUH DUH DUH,"
You're welcome.
Age 6:
Robert Reich began writing books.
Hey, I wrote a book too! It's called Just Random Stuff!
Age 7:
Mozart wrote a pretty decent sonata.
Hey, I think DUH DUH DUH is pretty decent.
Age 8:
Olympic gold-medal winning runner learned to walk.
Hey, I can walk too! YAY!
This one probably isn't true.
Age 9:
William J. Sidis Jr. entered Harvard.
WHAT THE FUCK
Age 10:
Tom McGuane got into a fistfight over the description of a sunset.
I haven't gotten into a fistfight, but here's how I can settle this skirmish.
The sunset had a sun. The sun was setting. Pretty cOLORs!!!!
Age 11:
Caroline Gonzalez, named mayor for a day in Forney, Texas after winning an essay contest, decreed that a street would be renamed 'Justin Bieber Way'.
I just laughed for a full minute.
Justin Bieber Way
Age 12:
Carl Jung learned what neurosis is.
I know what neurosis is.
Age 13:
Mario Andretti began racing.
I race my friends.
Age 14:
H. G. Wells left school.
I stayed in school.
Age 15:
Susan B. Anthony began teaching school.
Okay, I'll teach you guys something.
This is a dance move.
First, stand in the middle of a room.
Then, raise your right arm. Count to three, and raise your left.
Lower your right arm. Count to three, and lower your left.
Continue until someone sees you and yells,
"That gal/bro is gROOVY!"
You may proclaim yourself groovy if no one tells you you are.
Age 16:
William Cullen Bryant wrote the first draft of Thanatopsis.
Well, here's the first draft of my poem. It consists of mostly random sentences.
Orange peel,
I don't smoke pot
Phan is real,
Forget me not.
Age 17:
William Webb Ellis invents rugby.
Psh.
I invented a language.
It's called ALKese.
This is how you speak it.
Schmorp.
That's it.
Every word is replaced by schmorp.
My name is A = schmorp schmorp schmorp schmorp.
Schmorp is the worst swear word. Don't say it.
Schmorp is the most common word. You say it all the time.
Confused? Don't be.
Just schmorp.
Age 18:
Billy the Kid was charged of twelve murders.
;)
Age 19:
Modest Mussorgsky stopped his imperial guard commission for writing.
I'm not an imperial guard, and I'm writing right now. Obviously just as good.
Age 20:
Mary Shelley's Frankenstein was instantly successful.
At the moment, my book probably wouldn't be considered successful. You win.
So yes, I am definitely the most successful human being.
I'm going to say, prettying much all of these are amazing achievements, or made amazing people from them. Of course, this is all utter satire. I don't think I'm better than any of these people.
But I am proud of ALKese.
Schmorp😘
-ALK
YOU ARE READING
Just Random Stuff
RandomI have a lot of random stuff in my head I would like to get out, such as anecdotes about horrible substitutes, me talking to the voices in my head, and rants about things that annoy me.
