Say You Hate Me

three day bender

TW MENTION OF ALCOHOL AND SUICIDE

I haven't felt this lost since Matteo died.

Every time I close my eyes, she's there. Forest eyes moist with unshed tears. Pink bottom lip trembling. The colour drained from her sculpted cheeks.

She's begging me for answers and I'm hurting her.

(Flashback)

"None of this is real!" I gesture between us, "I hate to break it to you Elsie but we aren't actually fucking married."

Wrestling to disguise the quiver in my voice, I ball both of my hands into fists. I don't even notice feeling of my nails piercing the skin of my palm, too absorbed in the moment.

"But you said-"

I can't believe I'm doing this to her. I can't believe I'm breaking her heart.

She looked at me with hectic eyes, pleading for an answer. An answer that I can't give to her.

"God, Elsie, this was all fucking fake! It's a sham of a relationship."

Lies.

She doesn't respond so I hasten to continue.

There was a loaded pause and my misery drowned out any other noises.

"I don't actually fucking love you!" i bark out as cruel a laugh as I can muster, "I hate you."

I don't fucking hate her.

How could I?

With her bouncy golden hair and beautiful emerald eyes, how could anyone not fall head over heels in love with her?

I don't think love even properly describes how I feel for her. I'm in awe of her. I'm enthralled by her.

The emotion I feel for her is stronger than love.

It's like a disease, infecting my body, one cell at a time. It's the fact that I'm unable to breathe when she's not in my vicinity. It's the way thoughts bombard my mind wondering whether she is okay. It's the blossom of warmth in the pit of my stomach. It's the way she is thrumming in my veins. It's the chain and lock wrapped around my heart.

It's an obsession.

My feelings are forbidden yet inevitable. It's a recipe for disaster.

It started as hushed whispers in the back of my mind, so quiet that I wasn't even completely sure if I was hearing anything. But, then they got louder and I couldn't ignore them.

And now they are screams and shouts, deafening my mind with the sheer ferocity of my feelings.

I cannot deny them any longer.

The world before Elsie seemed so grey, so undefined - but, now that I had witnessed what it was like beneath her rays of sunshine, I could never forget how vibrant the world seemed with her.

And that was fucking killing me.

I didn't want to love her in the first place. But I do and there's nothing I can do about it.

Seeing her around school, prancing through the hallways and erupting into fits of giggles, but not being able to be the one who makes that perfect smile grace her face was destroying me.

Bit by bit, it was ruining me.

The loneliness was swallowing me whole. I was drowning in it - trying so hard to break through the surface but failing. Every. Single. Time.