Say You Hate Me

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Third person POV

5th February 2022.

Elsie Williams was perched beside a grave that night. Her tiny figure silhouetted against the the navy canvas of the night sky.

"Hi mom." she breathed, her gentle whispered greeting fracturing with sobs. "It's been awhile since I've come here like this."

A wintry gust of wind whipped the loose blonde tendrils of her hair into her face.

She wrapped two smooth, porcelain arms around her waist and blew out a resigned breath. "Honestly, I don't completely know why i'm here."

She tossed a small bouquet of daffodils onto the grave, the explosion of vibrant colours a stark difference to the sombre tomb stone.

She exhales sharply, the dancing fumes of her breath were tangible agaisnt the brisk night air.

"I'm moving schools." she muttered feverishly. "I know that you would be disappointed that i got expelled but i promise to try harder in this school." she expelled an amused breath. "It's some fancy boarding school, Mom, i'm positive that you'd hate it."

An empty silence swallowed Elsie, and she tucked a single strand of hair behind her ear.

"I just wanted to tell you about that." she mumbles slowly, before adding, "I...uh, actually...d-do you remeber few years ago, when those therapists diagnosed me with depression?" The corners or her puffy lips sank downwards. "It's just...that was supposed to be it. Plain and simple. An easy explanation. A label slapped onto my forehead. I had depression." Her deteriorating voice catches in her throat. "And I swear, I tried. I really tried this time. I take the antidepressants when I'm supposed to and I go to therapy and put in the work." Her hand subconsciously finds the tiny, glimmering star pendant on her necklace. "But nothing changed. I had an explanation for why i felt like i was drowning and that was great. But, i was still falling further and further from the surface."

After years of being trapped between a father who was too engrossed in his own grief to parent and a step mother's bruising fist, Elsie found herself trapped again but this time in the confines of her own mind.

depression.

Everytime she closed her eyes, she was back in that room. And she couldn't get out.

She couldn't escape it. As desperately as she tried to avoid it, it always came back.

She could run all she wanted but it would always catch up with her. Deep down, I think that she knew that she could never get away from it. After all, she could never outrun herself.

And when the noises in the back of her mind grew into violent shouts that she could no longer handle, she wondered if she would ever get better.

Just because she was depressed doesn't mean she wanted to kill herself. It just meant that sometimes, when the sadness crept up again, she favoured the idea of being dead over being alive. She thought it might be simpler. There would be no demons trying to mow her down and no excruciating feelings. It would be a blissful end to all things bad.

Living was a complexity that she hadn't mastered. Death was easier.

Her misbehaviours in school were merely a cry for help. She was losing herself, suffocating beneath powerful waves and never breaking through the surface.

Suspensions? She just wanted her dad to get angry at her so that she could know that he actually cared.

Detentions for sleeping in class? She had spent the night with tears streaming down her cheeks, trying to not relapse and hurt herself.