Say You Hate Me

science

It felt as though I'd blinked and just missed the weekend.

It had flew by leaving me in the shadows.

I stare out the plane window thoughtfully. Clouds splashed across the azure ocean like marshmallows floating in a toasty hot chocolate.

It was calming watching the sky as we drifted along.

I liked the sky. The way it was so effortlessly pretty. Whether it was a clear sunny sky or a navy canvas splattered with glitter stars. Or if it was grey and you could hear the clouds emptying their pockets and spilling raindrops across the land. And then there were sunsets. Beautiful fades of warm hues that bless your eyes.

I wonder if my mother was in the sunsets.

That's what they say, isn't it? My friend, Archie Smith, had said that his late wife was in the stars so my mum could be in the sunsets.

My mother would certainly be the most beautiful sunset. The one that melts across your vision and clashes with the shadowed landscape silhouetted against it.

I wonder if she's watching me from above. She'd have that look on her face where her emerald eyes are large and glimmering with disappointment. She'd want to wrap her arms around me and scold my father for everything he's done.

I miss you mom.

Sometimes I miss you so much that I can't breathe.

"What're you looking at?" Lucas asks for what has to be the fifth time today.

I inhale sharply, steeling my features before turning to face him.

"your ass," I quip, absorbing his curious expression.

"it's nice, isn't it?"

I snort, raising an eyebrow at Lucas' mischievous grin.

"Seriously though, what are you thinking about?" He pauses before adding, "you've been in your own world for about an hour."

I'm thinking about my dead mother.

But that's too dark to dump in the middle of such a light conversation.

So instead, I say, "school."

Lucas' eyes widen in agreement and an obnoxiously loud groan slips from his lips, "i hate school as much as the next person but damn the new gym teacher is sexy,"

My mouth falls ajar, "you're joking!"

"No way, girl, have you seen that fine specimen?"

"you need a boyfriend," I gasp, "an age appropriate one."

"I'm not going to say no to that," he sighs, his head collapsing onto my shoulder, "Pablo did me dirty."

A short chuckle erupts from my throat and I allow my head to sag onto his.

"Lucas?" I mumble after a moment.

"yes," he breathes.

"Do you ever.." I pause, unsure how to word the jumbled up thoughts in my brain, "do you ever feel so tired that you can't be bothered to breathe?"

If I stopped inhaling and exhaling. If my heart stopped pumping blood through my body. If my lungs stopped receiving oxygen.

If I died.

He doesn't respond.

"It's like a feeling that creeps up on you when you're so fucking exhausted that you wonder, even if it's just for a fraction of a second, what would happen if you just stopped breathing?"