shattered : loki's story

miss me.

Loki's POV

"what?"

I mutter, feeling my stomach churn as I leant against the pillow and headframe behind me.

"I just don't feel it anymore Loki, we're two different people, I don't, I cant love you."

I shake my head at his words.

"you're not the most easy person to love either."

I feel my thoughts trapped in my chest, straining.

"Loki?"

He says, looking at me, with no emotion but annoyance.

"you?"

I begin.

"How?"

Fandral laughs gently. 

"don't."

I say, my voice more stern.

"I lost it, during the spring ball... before it all happened. I met the beautiful maiden. She was sweet, pretty, stable. Everything."

His words were enough to feel my skin burning. They hurt, they really hurt.

"I never really loved you Loki."

He continues, my mind racing at miles per hour.

"I thought I did but I was just confused, alone."

Stop it. I thought. stop talking. Stop.

"I'm sorry Lo-"

I stand up quickly, opening my draw roughly, I take out his shirt, his book, his perfume and the birthday present I made, waiting to give it to him on the day. All thrown on the bed. 

I walk over to the other corner of my room, I grab his bag, the emerald he gave me as an anniversary gift, the letters he wrote me, all slammed on the bed.

"get out"

I spit.

"take your shit and get out."

Fandral looks up at me almost in disbelief.

"its all in front of you, is it that hard on your ego to piss off!?"

"Loki."

"Why didn't you just tell me instead of having me running around you like a damned fool!?"

My eyes redden as tears well in the corners, my arms a frenzy around me as I yell through strangled tears.

"was any of it real?"

I say my voice breaking.

"norns tell me some of it was tr-"

my voice breaks before I finish the word, turning around, my back to Fandral as my hand covers my mouth, fighting back a sob. 

He doesn't reply to me. 

"tell me."

I say

"just tell me!"

He nods, his blond hair ruffled, covering his face. 

"at first"

The boy whispers

I let out a groan, running my hands through my hair. 

"you told me you loved me."

"I did."

"you told me you'd always be here"

"I did."

"you promised me."

"I did."

"you fucking promised me!"

I've managed to walk across the dimly lit room as I shouted, leant against my writing desk, hands covering my face

"I really thought someone actually-"

"I still care about you Loki, we can-"

"don't start."

I scowl in reply, disgusted by his words.

"I do-"

"oh so you care about me so much that you lied for months! You told me you cared, that you loved me! So you care so much about me that you slept with someone you 'don't love', so much you lied over and over again humiliating me like a fucking dick just because I was actually trying to learn to love someone!? Do you hate me!? Do you miss me!? You said you cared so many times before, why on Asgard do you think I'd believe you now? Just get out. I don't want to see you. I don't even want to be near your presence just get. out!"

He sits speechless.

"Please" I lament.

He starts ramming his items in his bag, hesitating as he picks up the birthday gift, then zipping the bag and walking head down out of the room.

I stare at the bed in completely silence as tears stream down my face.

I see the emerald Fandral left on the bed, sat between the sheets we used to lay on.

My eyes wander around the room, the desk he picked me up from after falling asleep on it from writing for hours. How he lay me in bed, braiding my hair to keep me asleep peacefully.

The desk where he lay my breakfast when I was ill, how he soothed me, 'loved' me.

I let out a quiet sob.

"miss me."

I whisper, almost like a prayer.

"miss me like I miss you..."

I take a gasp.

"I fucking loved you."

My legs give out as I fall the the floor, covering my mouth with my hands to stop the sound of the cry's.

"fuck I did."

I lean against my bed, sniffling and coughing as I choke on my tears.

"what did I do?"

I whisper, questioning everything. Why can't I be loved. What makes me so different, so unlovable, so annoying for every single person to hate me in the end. 

I loved like movie love, I love with every inch of my heart and still it isn't enough.

And one day I wont even have my mother to cling onto.

My eyes flutter as I feel exhaustion wash over me.

"mm."

I hum, tired, putting my head on my knees that I brought to my chest.

After my leathers were soaked in salty tears, eyes burnt, hands shaky, the comfort of sleep took me in.

I'm alone again.

I don't want to be alone.