Gangsters paradise

Page 27

June 30 2004

After dinner Marshall wanted to be alone with me. He'll sleep in my room.
But hey listen, I know what I said. But.. man how much I want to lie to myself that I'm not in love with him. I can't, I can't lie to myself. I am in love with him, im thinking about him every second. I can't fucking control my feelings when he's around me. All I want to do is to fucking kiss him and hug him and not let go of him. I.. fuck, I'm so I love with him but my heart knows he'll hurt me. I fucking know it.
"Come on I wanna show you something.." he took my hand and we walked upstairs
"Don't be to loud you two!" I heard my grandma saying
"She really won't give a fuck if right now ill fuck the shit out of you doesn't she?"
"Maybe.."
"Mhh.." he smiled at me
"So what you wanna show me." I asked
"Sit down.. I wrote this when I was in plane. I don't know if you like it.. but I want this song to belong to you. This is how I feel about us two."
"You wrote something about me?"
"Yeah, I'm not that kind of guy to go public with my relationship but what's between us two it's different."
"You sure I can read this?" I asked
"Yes baby, you can read it. Everything that I'll write you are allow to read."
"Thank you.."
I was reading the song.
I never thought he'll do something like this for me, I mean he could do this for every woman right?
Agh.. it's so beautiful the way he says all of this things.
"I like it Marsh."
"That's your song baby.. soon everyone will know that your my girl." He sat down next to me
"And what will Hailie and Alaina say? Or Kim?"
"Kim can kiss my ass. I don't give a fuck about her. And the girls loves you Ty. Don't worry about the girls, I promise you they loves you."
"K.."
"Is everything alright?"
"Mhm.."
"Tyla.."
"Can I ask something. But please I don't want you to get mad."
"Tell me baby."
"You know, I really tried to convince myself that I don't want you at all. That I'm not in love with you and that we're not good for each oth.."
"We are good for each other Ty.."
"But what if we aren't? What if we're going to fight again and then you leave me or cheat on me? And then what? You go on tv talking about how you use to fuck me and me? What I'll do then?"
"You really think I'll do all that?"
"Marshall.. we both know how you are. I don't know maybe I'm just talking some shit but I know you'll do it."
"So what does that mean? You just wanna throw some shit at me for that way I am or shit I'll do? Is that how this is going to work Tyla?"
"Marshall, Im attached to you like crazy I'm in love with you more then I ever thought I'll ever love someone. I'm thinking about you when I don't wanna think about you. I'm getting jealous only when I think that, that bitch said you guys are back together. I don't want to fall so deep for you and then you'll hurt me. I want us two to be honest with each other to talk whenever something it's not good. That's I'm trying to say."
"Aight."
"So that's your answer?"
"What you want me to say Tyla? I promised I won't hurt you. Didn't I? That means I'll keep my promise. I'll love you even though if you'll hate. I'll come after you even if you are at the edge of the world. I'll call you names even though I don't want to say all that but the next second I want to fuck you so bad, and kiss every single part of your body. I'll maybe cheat.. I don't know. Or maybe I won't, but your the woman that I'm running after at the end of the day not someone else. Your the woman I want In my bed, in my life, everywhere. So yeah maybe I'll hurt you and I'll broke your trust but I won't stop looking after you even though you'll leave me. That's just who I am Tyla. I can't fucking change that."
I had tears in my eyes.. honestly I don't want this. But I love him.. i know this.. whatever this is between us will not end up good.
Agh god Tyla what the fuck am I doing?
"Where are you going?" Marshall asked
"I just need some fresh air."
"Ty.." I heard him saying
I don't wanna hurt her feelings. I want to be with her. But what if I really fuck things up? What if I'll cheat on her and she won't forgive me for it?
Fucking hell, I don't even know what am I supposed to do right now.
"Tyla?" Grandma knocked on the door
"Come in nana."
"Where is Tyla son?"
"She's.. uh she needed some fresh air."
"What's wrong son? You guys had a fight?"
"Yeah.."
"Listen son, from the moment you stepped in my house together with your friends your part of the family. And I'm telling you. You know how many times mz husband and I fought about stuff that were so stupid. Every day every night. But we couldn't do it different. If we didn't fight that wasn't us. Some members of our family will say that we're not okay if we don't fight. And we still stood married for 56 years."
"Wow.. that's a lot. That's beautiful nana, you know I have a daughter with a other woma.."
"I know, and your a great father son. And I think I know why your so insecure."
"Why is that?"
"Your scared, you went through something bad already and now you think it will happen again. Maybe that's why you two fight."
"Yeah, I'm scared it will happen again. But I don't want it to happen. I want to be Tyla, but.. unfortunately she thinks I'll cheat on her and I'll break her heart and because of that she doesn't want to be with me."
"And what's the answer? Would you cheat on her? Would you break her heart?"
"No, I love her. I won't do anything to hurt her but I know how I am. I know I do and say stupid stuff even when I don't want to."
"Your just like my husband. He cheated one me with so many woman's that I can't even remember anymore. But he always came back to me. We were young and in love. I loved him and I was loyal to him not matter what but he was all over the place. Until I left him, and then he realized what he'll loose if I leave. Show her you won't cheat on her and that you won't break her heart. If you do that you have her heart. But you gotta keep your promise Marshall. Every man cheats, the most important is to who you'll go when you need the most. And I'm sure you know that question. God gave you eyes and hands to touch and see. If you cheat then cheat but don't be stupid to let everyone know. And if you don't your not just being loyal to your woman, but also to the love you both have."
"Thank you nana."
"Anytime sweetheart. Come on go look after her. Good night son."
"Good night nana."
I went outside and Tyla was sitting in the garden playing with her cat.
I watched her for a bit the way she laughs when she plays with the cat.
And it makes me realize so many things that nana just told me.
Every man cheats, but if I really love Tyla then I'll be loyal to her and our love no matter what.
"Ty.." I said and walked closer to her "come on inside."
"K.."
"Tyla baby.. please I don't want to see you cry again okay baby? I love you.. I swear on god I love you so much."
"I love you two Marshall." And then she kissed me
"Fuckk I missed your lips.." I said
"No uh.. not here Marshall.."
"Fineee.." I rolled my eyes and we continued to walk