Gangsters paradise

Page 39

                                                   Juli 11 2004

It's been a week and I've been living at Marshall's house since then.
What can I say after the entire week I didn't do anything. I'm not in the mood to talk to much, I don't eat to much. Every time when i feel asleep I woke up immediately. I have a lot of nightmares lately. I'm completely fucked up. I don't fucking know why Marshall is staying with me. I'm literally not doing anything then fucking crying around. I'm so fucking mad and sad at the same time.
Marshall is in the studio he'll come home soon. I've cooked something for him and I went back upstairs.
I just wanna stay in bed and cry my entire life out.
As I heard the door I went fast to the bathroom and washed my face. I don't want Marshall to see me like this.
"Babe?" I heard him saying
"Fuck.." I went back in bed
"Babe?" He opened the bedroom door "Hey.. why are you here in darkness?" He came closer to the bed
"I was tired.."
"You sure you okay?"
"Mhm.. I've cooked something for you. If your hungry go eat."
"I want to eat with you baby.. and also eat you at the same time." He leaned down to kiss me
I'm so not in the mood to have sex or for any kind of touch.
"I've missed this fucking lips so bad.. goddamn.." he kissed me roughly
"Mh..Marshall.. wait."
"What is it?"
"I'm not in the mood for having sex.."
"I know.. that's now since when? One week? Two weeks? Like I don't even fucking remember when you allowed me to touch you. What? Am I not turning you on anymore?"
"Marshall is not about that you don't turn me on. I'm not good, that's all. This haves nothing to do with you."
"Apparently it haves if I can't even have sex with my goddamn girlfriend." He stood up
"Do you even hear yourself? When the fuck did you EVER wanted to cuddle with me or something like that beside sex? NEVER! You come home shower try to have sex with me and then you feel asleep and that's how it is since I've been here. You always want sex. Maybe I don't want sex every time. You don't even understand how fucked up i am right now and all you wanna do is to fuck me." I said and left the room
He's such a fucking asshole. I swear to god, that's what he's always doing. He always wants sex. Fucking ALWAYS. I don't give a fuck if he's not that corny kind of guy but I am. I want to be hold and do normal things with him. He doesn't fucking understand none of this shit. Yes, I know he grew up without a father. His mother was not best woman, his uncle died. I know he went through so much shit, I fucking know it. But I'm also going through a lot. My fucking father died, my brother is jail because of me. And I can't just be happy and act like everything is perfect because it isn't. I know we all are going to die one day. I just need time to fucking get this shit in my head. My father was the one that was here for me. I never meet my mother, I don't even know if she's alive. Of course I'm all fucked up when I know I'd have no one. I do love my family but they aren't my father. I love Marshall but he can't be my boyfriend, brother, best friend, father in once. I know when I was young I was wishing so bad so I could find a men like that. So that person will be everything for me. But Marshall can't do that, I know him.
I went downstairs and took a bottle of wine. And went in the garden, Marshall haves a fucking beautiful garden with a lot of tree fruits and a garden with flowers. I love to go here and just sit and look at the sky. It makes me feel good.
"Ty.." I heard Marshall
"Fuck off Marshall.. just leave it alone." I said and started to drink
"Stop fucking hiding from me Tyla.. where the fuck are you?"
Ugh god..
"What is it? Huh? What do you want?" I said
"Here you are.. how the fuck you found this place?"
"This is your garden Marshall."
"Is it? Damn I should go more out in the nature." He said
I didn't even looked at him.
"Yo.. whow.. whow whow.. stop drinking so fast Tyla."
"What the fuck do even care? Mind you goddamn business and leave me alone." I said
"Tyla listen, I'm sorry okay. I don't want to be selfish but yeah sometimes I forget through what you need to get through. But don't think I haven't heard you or noticed that you don't sleep or eat. I heard you the entire week since your here leaving the bedroom. I'm sorry for not paying attention. And I don't want to you to think I want you only because of the sex. I swear to god is not just that. I fucking love you. You just look so fucking good even though when you don't wanna look good and that turns me on."
"Yeah whatever. Apologize accepted." I said
"Yo, I'm standing here telling you that I'm sorry and you don't even believe me. What the fuck you want from me then Tyla?"
"Nothing.. just forget about it."
"I swear to god you can be such a bitch sometimes." He said and left
"THANK YOU ASSHOLE."
Well fuck him, I ain't like this bitches that he use to fuck. I'm not gonna shut up in his face whenever he talk to me like that.
He can go fuck himself because I don't believe shit that comes out of his fucking mouth.
I don't even wanna know with how many woman he cheated on me with. I'm more then hundred percent sure he's cheating. But how I said FUCK HIM. I'm not running after his white boring ass. NEVER, maybe over my dead body.