Gangsters paradise

Page 17

June 21 2004

I didn't sleep at all. I was not tired I just wanted to drink the entire night. Marshall felt asleep. The entire night I was awake thinking about stuff that some of them makes sense. Thought about my mother, father, Marshall so many stuff that I can't even explain why I think about it.
The loneliness kicked me so hard that I cried like a bitch. Sometimes I just wished no one will know me. Sometimes I wish to be dead so I can finally have my peace. Unfortunately I choose this life. Full of people stress and trouble. I can't live a normal life, I can't love someone the way I wish I could. I'm all fucked up. If my father will know that I drink this much.. he won't leave me out of the house anymore. You know, I am drunk.. but imagine this. Being able to live a normal life without having any kind of stress. Being married to the person you love the most. To have a beautiful family together, what could be better then that. But you know what's funny? I can't have all that. Why? Im scared.. I'm so scared that I don't know how to take of running once I fall in love or once I get attached to someone. Im so scared that I don't even know how love actually feels like. How it is to be hold by the person you love. How it is to have a normal relationship without to be all toxic and narcissistic with someone. I wish I would know that. Agh you know what fuck it.
"Love.. love, love, love. Love get us killed. No love, no worries." I said to myself
"You really didn't slept at all?" Marshall said I turned my head to him
"Marshy.. ow.. come here I need to tell you something."
"Tyla your drunk."
"Hey! I'm not drunk. I'm acting drunk." I wink at him "so marshy.. how did you sleep?"
"Stop calling me that name. And get in bed."
"Agh, grandpa."
"Your not supposed to drink Tyla. The fuck is wrong with you. Do you really want your father to see you like this?"
"Yeah, then he'll see what kind of person I am." I took the glass
"Ey! Stop fucking drinking and go take a shower."
"I have a problem Marshall. I know I drink a lot. But that's all because I can't do this anymore. My father should know what kind of daughter he has."
"Come on, get up."
"NO! Don't touch me. I don't want to get all attached to you again. Then you leave and come back to me. Just.. just stay away from me." I stood up and walked to the bathroom
I never saw this before. She didn't slept at all, she's fucked up. I don't know what's hurting her or who is hurting her but I don't like to see her like this.
"She's sleeping like a baby.." Bizarre said
"Man shut up." I said
"So she drank all of this?" Swift asked
"Yes. Listen man I don't know what's hurting her. I don't know what's inside of her heart but I don't like to see her like this."
"Whatever was she's really done." Obie said
"I need to be here for her. Her father trust me. I can't play with her and do all this fucked up things to her."
"Hallelujah! He's awake!" Bizarre
"shhh. Man your gonna wake her up." Proof said
"To late.." Tyla said
"Tyla.. you okay?" Bizarre asked
"My head hurts."
"Here take this." I gave her water
"Why the fuck are all of you here? Don't you have something else to do?"
"Nope. Now you know your our little sister. You know you can tell us everything right?" Bizarre asked
"I don't have nothing to say. Now if you excuse me." She stood up from bed and went to her bathroom
I don't know why the fuck they care what's actually wrong with me. They should focus on their bitches and career not on me. And Marshall.. he's the real devil here. Once he wants me once he disappears. WHAT KIND OF MAN IS THIS? Acting all kind and cute but he's actually the biggest asshole.
Agh.. fuck him. I don't wanna think about him anymore. I'm just gonna take a shower.
In the plane
She's listening to music all alone in the corner and doesn't speak at all. I don't know how I should talk to her but I guess I should try it?
"Ty.."
"What?"
"You good?"
"Yep. You can leave now."
"Yo! Stop acting like this. Don't give me that attitude. I'm asking you if everything is alright."
"And I said everything is alright. Now you can leave."
"The fuck is wrong with you? Just because your scared you don't need to act like this girl."
"Mother fucker.." she stood up and left to her room
"Tyla I'm talking to you. Why would you say you don't wanna get attached to me anymore?"
"Because I was dump to think that you want something serious. I got attached to you like a little girl that finds out how love actually feels like. And you.. you just walked away."
"Ty.."
"Fuck it. Forget about what I said. I will stay at a hotel once I get in Detroit. I don't want to be around you."
"That won't happen Ty."
"And why is that? what you want from me Marshall?"
"Your father wants you to stay at my house. I can't let you stay at a hotel. And what I really want is to get closer to you."
"Well that won't happen. You got other woman's you can get closer to. To me you won't be that close ever again. Now can you leave? I wanna be alone."
I don't know if this is all because of me but she looks so sad.
And goddamn she's hot when she's angry.
Fuck that, I'll get close to her, I'll show her that she can trust me and that I won't walk away from her again. I still need to think about what I really want. I don't wanna lose her. Right now shes everything I want.