Mr. Good Bad Guy

19 - Can't Handle the Truth

Ezra stared at me for a few seconds before he burst into laughter. It wasn't that funny now. I really wanted him to realize I wasn't going to wait for him for much longer. I wanted to swear off all men, but he was addictive. Axel was addictive. I couldn't stay single for long or I'm going to go crazy. I was with Terrance for a while. Being in a relationship was practically second nature. I didn't want to be alone in this apartment with a roommate who had a boyfriend.

"I don't recall saying anything funny," I muttered after Ezra had finished laughing. I was surprised Parker hadn't come in to ask what we were up to. Or what Ezra was on. "You've never been in love, have you?"

"Love is child talk." Ezra looked me in the eye. "I know what love is and I've only loved one person in my life."

"Lemme guess, your mom?"

"Bingo. I mean, she raised me and taught me how to love a woman who isn't her, but having the freedom to do what I want when I want never felt so good."

"Oh...so you're sleeping with someone else other than me?"

"I never said that."

"You aren't?"

"I never said that either. I'm just saying I'm not ready to settle down just yet. You might be, because you want to get married. That's not a bad thing, but I don't want to mix work and pleasure. I want to enjoy my freedom. I've been working so hard these past few months, and I don't want to feel like I'm obligated to anyone. You know, be free to go out and do whatever I want. I'm not saying I don't like you, because I do. I like you a lot. You're smart, funny, and sexy as hell. But I just can't be your boyfriend right now, Irene."

Ezra's words felt like a slap in the face. Like he was just using me until he found someone better. I wanted to argue, to tell him that I was more than just his occasional booty call. That I was more than just a friend. But I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I just nodded and bit my bottom lip, trying not to cry.

He must have seen something in my expression, because he suddenly cupped my cheek and leaned in, kissing me softly. "Ask me again in a month...and I might change my mind."

At that moment, I wanted to strangle him. How dare he tell me to wait that long for him to decide if he wanted me or not? I wanted to scream, to yell, to kick and punch. But I didn't. Instead, I quietly got off of his lap and walked over to my desk, trying to calm myself down. My chest hurt and my heart felt like it was being squeezed by an invisible hand.

"Why the hell would I waste another damn month of my time just for you to tell me no again? I'm not that desperate, Ezra. It's now or never. I'll give up the moment you say you don't see a future with me. Doesn't matter if you fucking believe that or not."

"Irene–"

"No. I'm fucking tired of having to wait for someone I have a physical connection with. We both can't be using each other."

Ezra's eyes widened. "What? You're using me? For what?"

"You know what I mean. I'm not just some woman you can be with when you get lonely. You're not some guy I can brag about to my friends and family. We both know what this is. It's fun. It's sex. It's not supposed to mean anything. But I'm done with it."

My voice was shaky, but I forced the words out. I was angry. I was hurt. And I was tired of feeling like I was nothing more than an option for him.

"Uh..."

"Ez, there's more to a relationship than fucking. I was using you to get over a man I unwillingly think about whenever I'm alone. A man who showed me what it felt like to be betrayed, to be used. I was using you to forget about him. To make me forget how much it hurt when he left. I thought it was just sex. That's all it meant to me.