INSIDE OF ME - ENG

TIME FLOWS

A week after the fateful event, the melancholic days pass very slowly.

I'm letting myself go, I no longer take care of myself, I'm going from crazy and hysterical solitary laughter to incessant crying. I really think I'm going crazy.
It's been a little over a week since I've been locked in the house with the dim light of the neon lamp, eating almost nothing, just some rubbish left at home and bought from the vending machines at some cinema. I'm drinking a lot, too much, way too much. I think my liver is crying out for mercy, just as I think my head is doing somersaults of gratitude for having narcotized it with a few "drops".

I don't sleep anymore. I only sleep if I accidentally fall asleep drunk in some uncomfortable corner of the house. I don't want to do anything, see anyone and, above all, think about anything.
I feel like crap, I feel like I got crushed by a truck and then put the pieces back together the wrong way. I no longer turn on my cell phone or computer. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to read tearful, anxiety-inducing messages from Grace or senseless messages from Noah, if it ever crossed his mind to text me and apologize. I no longer want anything, just drinking and absentmindedly watching television on the sofa with the volume turned down and zapping, or listening to deafening music and dancing hypnotically and without rhythm, hopelessly drunk.
It's a hard blow, it was a hard blow to my pride, to have suffered such humiliation. They shouldn't have done this to me. Damn, why me?

The usual mantra "Calm down Sarah, calm down..." has gone out the window, dead and buried, no longer exists. I'm possessed by the desire for nothingness. I have become a walking dead, hating the sunlight. I hate everything except my bottle. Yes, I've gone crazy, I need help, but I want to be alone. I don't need anyone. The void is my friend. After all, what's the point of all this?

Another week has passed and I'm starting to feel a little better. My house smells like mold and me. My partner Whiskey always remains in my hands and loves to be sipped directly from the neck of the glass. Thank you, Whiskey for your support!

Now, I rarely sit on the sofa, the new pastime is walking, or perhaps it would be better to say swinging - staggering, across this half square meter of living room, regardless of the sharp edges and the thousand bruises they give me. But I feel happy, I'm seeing the light!

The music is too loud and pierces my eardrums, giving me a terrible headache, so I shout in a hoarse voice <<Alexa, stop!>> and the music stops, leaving room for my slow breathing. I sink onto the sofa making a loud noise and, half dazed, place the bottle on the dusty table. Unfortunately, it's been a couple of weeks since I last cleaned the apartment. Stains and dust everywhere.

I start again the usual tram tram from a week before; deadly boredom, TV turned on at very low volume, constantly changing channels. I casually take the whiskey without realizing the extent of that sweet poison and attack it to my lips. Whiskey finished, only one drop left. Disappointed, I put it down on the floor and sink back onto that soft sofa.
My tired eyes begin to close, sailing deeper and deeper into a state of deep trance, where the wildest imagination leads to seeing things never seen before. It has a heavenly ecstasy effect. I can't say for sure whether it's the alcohol or the need to meditate on my current existence.

"I see myself, a second me; clean, pure, dressed in white and barefoot. I see myself, going down some rainbow stairs, stairs that lead lower and lower, lower and lower. I go down them all, very slowly. Everything is in the background, a tree with a hole in the middle (very reminiscent of the tree in Alice in Wonderland), I approach it, crouch down and throw myself into it with part of my torso..."

The doorbell rings several times, making me jump and wake up with a start from that meditative state of inner peace. I find myself shaking on the floor, sweating cold, with a dry mouth and a pounding heart. I'm out of breath and trying in vain to regain that long-sought calm that I was having only a few seconds before being woken up abruptly in such a way that I almost had a heart attack.