INSIDE OF ME - ENG

TWO BROTHERS

“No, Josh. Noah never told me about you. I only found out through Manila, who you surely know, who had a brother and who bore the same name as you."

This is what I should tell him, but I'm still in total paralysis. Even though I have just been faced with the truth of the facts, I continue to feel like a fish out of water. It's all so surreal to me. And, after all, how can my heart still be divided in two? If I think about Noah, I feel bad, because, anyway, a part of me still loves him. If I think about Josh, I feel twice as bad, because the other part of me loves him, knowing that, in any case, he will be gone from my life soon.

I stare at him as if I were staring at a ghost and, after a century, finally, I answer him by shaking my head.
Josh does something I never dreamed he had the strength to do; he hugs me, holding me tightly. I can hear the rapid beats of his heart, that heart I broke tonight. That heart I would have loved to be mine forever.
I press my head on his chest to listen to those heartbeats better and I kiss him. <<I'm sorry...>> I murmur to myself, but directed to his heart.  Josh holds me tighter, placing his lips on my head.
<<Come, let's sit down. Maybe it's better that we talk for a moment.>> he tells me in a sad but affectionate whisper. I don't want to leave him, even though I know better than him that it would be better to talk, clarify things and, above all, think about what would be best to do. But, despite all this bad situation, being held tightly in his arms makes me feel good. I return his hold, but holding him so tightly that it almost takes his breath away, because I want him to understand that I can't live without him.
Josh gently lets go of me immediately afterwards and as he does so, I feel such a powerful pang in my heart that it makes me feel lost.
<<Baby…>> he murmurs sufferingly. I can't watch it. I can't stand his sad face, I can't stand this.
<<Come on.>>
He takes my hand and leads me to the sofa.

Before I can say anything, he beats me to it, as if he's just read my mind.
<<I can imagine why he never told you about me.>> he sighs exhaustedly. I'm quiet, I don't want to interrupt him. I just want to listen to him.
<<Noah and I have hated each other since the beginning of time.>>
I look at him as if my eyes were asking him why, and he notices it, because he half-smiles and gets ahead of me again.
<<Noah is my older brother, I'm four years younger. He has always been the most pampered, most loved one. He has always been the favorite. The one who could have it all and the one who took it all. Whatever problem he had, my father was there. On the contrary, I had to make do. Noah is the exact copy of our father, an emeritus asshole.>> he tells me, darkening. <<I'll give you an example now. If there were just the three of us in the same room, my father always pretended I didn't exist.  I was always a ghost to him. His eyes were only for Noah.>> he sighs again.
This time I decide that perhaps I should ask him a question. <<And your mother?>>

At the question, Josh raises his face and his eyes turn red and shiny.
<<Do you want to know the truth?>> he asks me in a broken voice. I nod.
<<It was the same for my mother. The truth is… I was born through a mistake. That's why she also behaved the same way. They never wanted me and I never understood why they kept me.>>
Josh holds back, but I know that if he were alone, he would start crying. With me in front, he doesn't have the courage.
His words shock me. How can parents hate their child so much even if he was born by "chance"? I would like to hold him again, but I remain composed. Josh needs to let out all the pain he has received since he was born, he needs to vent and I'm happy that he is doing it with me.

<<Now you will ask me "and Noah?", I'm sure of it. The answer is, Noah never took my side either. He taunted me, every fucking time. He was never interested in me. To be the eldest of two, he never taught me anything, he never protected or defended me. When we went to play golf, a sport I always hated, he always teamed up with my father and I with a friend of our father's, and guess what? Noah always had to be the best. Do you think what it means to have never received an I love you from your brother? Or an "I'll take care of it, don't worry" when, from my parents, I only received indifference, disdain. Or, when my father only made himself heard when he had to insult me?Do you understand why I feel so much hatred towards Noah?>>