INSIDE OF ME - ENG

THE TRUTH

I’m like this, in his arms. A deep silence envelops us, giving me the chance to hear only the rapid beat of his heart.

He holds me so tightly as if he feared I would run away. I don’t understand what could have happened to him in this time that he left me alone with Manila. But what I do know is that being so close to him makes me fight between two emotions; feeling good and being afraid. So, it’s harder for me to unlock and not be petrified.
Noah is holding me tighter and tighter, almost like he wants me inside. I feel his face in my hair and his lips trying to open up almost like he wants to tell me something, and maybe he does.
<<Sarah… don't go away…>>
Those whispered words that almost recall a silent plea, it's as if they slapped my face. Once again, I remain mute.
I think he expects me to answer him or any reaction of mine. But I don’t. This time it’s not as usual that I try not to give him the satisfaction of doing or saying something. No, this time it’s all different. This time, it’s like the whole universe is gone.

His grip is weakening just enough to notice. But my thoughts go to the fact that the Noah I know would never hug me like this and maybe I’m learning more about the nuances of him.
But the question is... what is the real Noah among all these? Maybe there are more I have yet to find out.
I just want to close up and be alone, get him out of this room and never see him again. I’ve already had a complicated life, I don’t need to complicate it even more.

He makes only one gesture, only one, one that has never done so far and just that gesture to make me a little reconcile with him and with myself.
The delicate touch he uses to caress my head makes me instinctively close my eyes for a moment. I have chills but they are beautiful and intense, unlike how it has always been and who knows if he can feel how fast my heart is going now. But I still don't return his embrace, I rather to remain rigid, I already feel too involved and all this I know is not good.
Noah brings his lips to my ear and his warm sigh causes me a slight tremor.
<<Please...>> he whispers again, as if it were yet another plea.

I suddenly wake up from what I thought was just a dream to abruptly detach him from me. That peace that was just between us just broke, at least for me. My eyes are full of anger and hatred but his, I immediately realize, are lucid.
Did Noah cry or is he holding back? And why is he doing that?
I’m more and more confused and confused and also about my attitude towards him. I was basically fine. But I can’t. I can’t feel good for him, plus our communication is always so complicated.
I ask him a question I already asked him.
<<Why? What do you want from me?>> I realize about the distressed tone with which I have just turned.
Noah don't come any closer, I know he would, but he’s giving me some space.
<<I want you.>> he is so decided, dry.
His sentence comes to me like a bolt from the blue. I feel like I’m still in that vortex where I had just found a way out.

I try not to be overwhelmed by the emotions that I’m experiencing and his absurd words and I slam in his face what he said a few hours before in front of his door.
<<Stop teasing me! Noah! Today you said, and I quote, "Sarah, you’re not my kind of girl, you’ve never been and you never will be." So? Means you don’t like me. In fact, if I really had left today, you would never have gone back and picked me up! Please try to make some peace with yourself.>> I answer him in tone, cold and with so much anger accumulated inside because of him and I’m amazed at how I managed to stand up to him.
Meanwhile, I watch him and I know he wants to explode. He’s got all those tears he’s pretending to hold back but can’t hide and not from me, anyway.
I’ve never seen him so intimidated. Maybe he’s afraid I can scream to get out of my life? I’d gladly do that if I could. But even there, I don’t have the courage.

We are still a little distant from each other. Noah shakes his head and looks at me sadly.
<<No, it’s not. I would have come back for you. I would have looked everywhere for you, even though I knew it would be hard to track you since you didn’t have your phone with you. But I would have done anything to find you. I just took a while, it’s true, but I was so angry, Sarah. But I came back to you, and I knew you’d never leave.>>
His words seem so sincere. He seems so sincere. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I’m torn between two opposing poles.
<<But... you said you don’t like me... >> now I’m whispering to him from afar.
I seem to look at him as if instead of eyes I got two empty orbits. He doesn’t look down but keeps him fixed on me.
<<I’m sorry I said things that weren’t true. I didn’t want to... I was just so angry. The thing is, I like you. I liked you since the first day we met. I’ve tried everything to have you only with me and not alone among so many other people...>>
I interrupt him abruptly. <<I was not alone, there was Grace with me.>> I reply back, making him feel a bit of disappointment. Because it’s true, I feel disappointed, and maybe that’s the only feeling I have right now, other than being completely on tilt after all these revelations. But I feel like there’s something else I might lose my mind about.