INSIDE OF ME - ENG

THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM

For exactly five eternal minutes, Noah continues to stare into space.
I was too direct with him, but I couldn't stand his lies and his arrogant way of acting anymore.
I had to do it. I only realize now that I should have prepared him much earlier, so as not to shock him so much, and I'm sorry.
At this point, I really think I've made a big, unsolvable mess and I don't know how to fix it.

It scares me to see him like this. I would like to try to get closer to awaken him from this sort of paralysis, but I'm afraid.
I never imagined he would take the situation so badly.
He's his brother, damn it! Why behave like this?  Perhaps, it's not so much for being his brother, but for having exposed his secret.
It's a problem he should solve. He cannot continue to pretend nothing has happened and convince himself that he's really dead.
Why do they hate each other so much? Well, I already have the answer, even if I only learned about the version given to me by Josh.
Noah is an arrogant asshole and I can understand Josh's hatred towards him, but then, I don't understand why Noah, who has always had everything, would hate him like this.

I recover all the courage in me, and I try to get closer to him.
I don't see anything wrong with touching his face. I'm tired of his not being able to touch certain parts of him. So, I do it. I reach towards his face but, strangely, my hand begins to tremble slightly.
I'm almost close, my fingers have no intention of stopping this annoying tremor until, finally, they manage to find a delicate support on his cheek, but this sense of relaxation and softness lasts very little; Noah grabs my wrist roughly, pushing it away.
This sudden gesture from him causes me intense pain. He squeezed my wrist so hard it hurt.
<<Don't touch me...>> he murmurs through clenched teeth, crushing me with a look full of hatred.
He doesn't even apologize for hurting me, in fact, that gesture even seems to have relieved him in some way. Now I'm the one who's petrified.
This tension doesn't give up an inch and Noah continues to glare at me, as if I were the one behind it all. Tonight, the only "mistake" I made was to confront him with the truth.
<<I kill him...>> he whispers to himself. Noah is out of control and now, I'm starting to get really scared of him.
What is he going to do?!

I see him get up suddenly, still fixed with that chilling look, ready to leave the room.
<<Noah... but what...>> I murmur fearfully, but I am unexpectedly interrupted.
<<Shut up. Don't talk to me, I don't want to hear you! I just want to know where that shit is now, and you better tell me right away! l>> he shouts, splashing fearfully.
I stare at him with bulging eyes. I've never seen this version of him, and it shocks me. It's a new part that I don't like at all and now, I regret going back to him.
I can't tell him where Josh is now, although he will surely imagine that he is at the club. But I can't do this to him.
And this exaggerated reaction just because he involuntarily told me that they are brothers? It's not possible... all this is pure madness!
I choose not to betray Josh and to protect him, no matter what.
<<So, Sarah?! Where is he? At the club?! Why are you protecting him?! Do you realize that he has never done anything right in his life?!>> he shouts, terrifying me even more.
But I'm determined, I keep quiet. Noah doesn't deserve a brother like Josh, who ruined his life because of him. Therefore, he has no right to judge the choices and mistakes he has made.
I just want to scream at him for all the harm he has caused him, because inside I am exploding and I too am starting to lose control, just like him.
<<Do you realize the harm that all of you have done to him?>> I ask him harshly, getting up from the bed. I marvel at the control I am having over myself. I don't scream, I don't go crazy, but I manage to remain falsely calm.
Noah needs to understand that he no longer has control over my emotions, at least that's what I'm trying to show him.

We are facing each other and I can feel the high tension that has been created around us. All this hurts though, I never wanted to get into such a big argument with him over someone equally important.
<<The harm we caused him? But what are you saying, Sarah.>> he murmurs coldly.
Our gazes are challenging each other. He doesn't scare me anymore, I like to stand up to him.
<<I'm saying, that Josh trusted you, but you always turned your back on him, just so you wouldn't look like a wimp in front of your father's eyes.>> I murmur coldly in turn.
We can no longer recognize ourselves. All the love we had before has given way to the hatred we are now feeling.
Our eyes continue to stare at each other, despising each other. We are both disappointed and angry. <<You don't know anything about us, or what I've been through.>>
<<So what are you waiting to tell me, Noah?  Does it seem normal to you to hide from the person you say you care so much about the existence of a brother, with whom, moreover, I also had a relationship?! Does it seem normal to you to both make those scenes in front of me, like that time and leave me disconcerted like that?! Or, does it seem normal to you that your own brother had to tell me?! Why, Noah? What's the matter, you didn't trust me enough?>> I blurt out, at the top of my lungs.
<<Josh shouldn't have done that to me.>> he sighs. <<And tonight everything will end. >> he concludes angrily.

A final cold glance, before immediately averting his gaze from mine and moving quickly towards the exit of his house.
I don't know what his true intentions are, but I'm scared now, I'm really scared of what tonight might happen and I know perfectly well where he's going, there wouldn't even have been a need to tell him.
He already knew it.

I run after him, trying to stop him before he can go out and do anything senseless.
<<Noah!  Where are you going?!>> I shout after him.
He turns around for the last time and I no longer recognize him, he has now completely lost control of himself. The one looking at me is yet another Noah.
<<I'm going to Josh's. Don't try to stop me.>> he replies harshly.
<<Oh no… no, no, no! Noah, stop!>> I scream again, in total panic. Noah doesn't listen to me,he acts like I don't exist anymore.
He slams the door violently and leaves.

He leaves me alone inside his house, and I still imagine him slamming that door to go out in a rage and go and make who knows what mess at the Fire Phoenix. The crash of that door still echoes loudly in my ears.
But I don't think any further, I just know that I don't want to stay in that house for a minute longer. I grab my bag and run out, rushing into the car.

When I have to act on impulse, I never do it and now it's time to do it quickly.
What the hell am I doing though? Why am I still stuck in the car without turning on the engine and speeding off to stop Noah?
I absolutely have to hurry or tonight could end very badly.
I need Grace right now. I should call her, she would come to my rescue immediately. But it's better if she doesn't do it, I can't get her involved too. I've already done too many.

In the end, I finally make up my mind. I start the engine and leave.
My heart is in my mouth and adrenaline pouring out of every single pore of my skin.
There is only one destination; Josh. Hoping it's not too late now.