INSIDE OF ME - ENG

I HAD TO STAY - Sarah

SARAH

"I see Noah, I see me and I see Josh. All three of us are barefoot and dressed in white. I'm in the middle, holding both of them by the hand and we're looking beyond what our eyes can see. I can't distinguish who is Noah or who is Josh. We're facing away from each other, and we both look identical. We're standing on the peak of a mountain. We're not afraid. Suddenly, a fall into the void. One of the two left my hand and jumped straight down the mountain..."

I wake up suddenly. I'm out of breath and drenched in cold sweat. I have a pounding heart and a lump in my throat.
It was just a nightmare, right?

Yet, it seemed to be so real… I check the time on my phone; it's 5.20 in the morning. It's still very early, I should put my head back on the pillow and go back to sleep. But, I feel so awake now, I might never sleep a wink again. That nightmare must have been due to the beatings inflicted on Josh by Noah... and I think that, sooner or later, I will have to discuss this with him.
I would like to understand what really led him to do something like that. It's not like him. I'll wait for things to calm down and then I'll ask him, hoping that he has the good sense to give me all the answers I'm looking for, without hiding anything from me anymore.

I promptly turn around and, next to me who is sleeping blissfully, there is Noah. He is still dressed. He must have fallen asleep suddenly. He must have been really exhausted to throw himself into bed without taking off his sweat-soaked clothes.
Seeing him here, next to me, can calm me down. Luckily, it had only been a stupid nightmare, dictated by the fear and anger of the night. However, there is one thing I wonder...who was the one who jumped into the void? From behind they appeared to be the same person.

I continue to stare at Noah who is breathing peacefully, realizing that this is all real, and I smile. He is here with me. After the bad night, he took me home and wanted to stay with me.  He was exhausted, he didn't feel like walking a little further to get back to his house. I'm happy that he decided to stay. Seeing him sleep like this makes him look even more beautiful than he already is. Now that I feel calmer, I lie down, trying to sleep a little longer. I don't have to be afraid with him here.
I lie down next to him, holding him gently, and wrap my arm around his waist, being careful not to wake him up. I feel his breathing becoming even calmer and this allows me to fall asleep again peacefully. I love the musky scent of him, even if it's mixed with his sweat now, but he still gives me peace. Now I know that I no longer have to fear losing him again and that my sleep will be surrounded by beautiful dreams.

I wake up gently, stretching a little. Who knows how long I slept, the warm sunlight is passing through the shutters, lighting the room.
First, I check my cell phone. There are no messages, there are no calls and it's 11.30 in the morning. Damn! it's very late! But I was sleeping so well that it was very difficult for me to wake up.
Immediately afterwards, I look over to Noah's side and... he's not there. He is no longer here, next to me.
So, was it all just a dream? Has he never been here? The anxiety rises and also that lump in my throat that I had this morning, after having had that nightmare.

I hear the toilet flush and I am alarmed for a moment. Who will ever be in my house? Noah?!
I bring the covers just above my nose, leaving only my eyes uncovered.
What if it was a thief? My starts to beat fast in fear.
It stops immediately afterwards, when I see Noah come out of my bathroom. He has his hair all rumpled, a bit of a stubble that's starting to grow and tired, puffy eyes, but I still find him handsome.
He reaches me at the foot of the bed and smiles at me.
<<Good morning! You're finally awake.>> he exclaims, smiling. This time, my heart starts beating again but no longer from fear, but from the joy of finding him here and knowing that it wasn't just a simple dream.
Indeed, he has always been here, he has never left me alone.
Sure, I have completely messy hair and a horrible face, but I don't care. I let the covers fall and smile back at him.
<<Good morning to you. I could have sworn it was all a dream.>> I reply ironically.
He advances slowly and leans over me, kissing me.
<<But no.>> he tells me, kissing me again. <<I'm going to the kitchen to prepare breakfast, is that okay for you?>> he asks me sweetly.
I nod, kissing him again and again. It's so hard to break away from such soft lips that taste like him. Unfortunately, he leaves my lips a little too soon, the call of breakfast makes itself felt.
But, before he goes out of there though, there's a question that immediately comes to mind. A strange question, but I have to ask him before other events make me forget it.
Noah is on his back, intent on walking towards the kitchen.
<<Noah, wait a minute.>>
He turns immediately, frowning. <<Huh?>>
I hug my knees to my chest, feeling slightly awkward. I'm a little embarrassed to show up to him first thing in the morning.
<<There's something neither of you have ever told me.>> sigh. <<Why does your brother have a different surname from yours?>> I ask him hastily, almost eating my words.
Noah flinches just then and scratches the back of his neck. <<Well... it was our mother's surname. He rathered to keep only hers. You know how it is...>> he murmurs, sounding slightly hard.
<<Oh, yeah...>> I sigh again. <<What was your mother's name?>> I ask him frankly.
Noah looks at me curiously. Maybe it bothers him that I'm meddling in his past again. But I'm just curious and I don't see anything wrong with it.
<<Her name was Isabelle Lemaine Stumphone.>> he replies, at the end.
I look at him and I think I see some sadness in his eyes. I decide not to say anything more to him, I just smile at him.