INSIDE OF ME - ENG

AN OLD FRIEND - Sarah

SARAH

I've been locked in my room, in total darkness and still under the covers for at least twenty-four hours.
Too little time has passed since my second loss. I ate nothing and did absolutely nothing except cry and cry.
Noah will be back on tomorrow evening and I'm sure he'll stop by. I absolutely don't want to see him and give him more terrible news. I could make up that I'm not well, that I have a high fever, but he would come anyway. Bad idea.

I turn away and see the phone light up. With the desire not to hear anyone, I also forgot to turn off the silent.
It's Noah, he promised me that he would text me.

FROM: NOAH

Hey, Sarah. I just wanted to let you know that Josh is free now. I don't know if I'll be able to get through tomorrow night, I'm already so upset. See you in a couple of days. I love you, Noah

I read that "I love you" over and over again. I know it's like this, I know he really feels it, but those two words almost completely shocked me. It's the first time he texts that to me.
I'm having a hard time realizing the entire message and I'm having a hard time realizing that it's actually time to say goodbye to Josh. Now he is free, as Noah wrote.

I suddenly get up from bed, without having a specific reason in mind. But I won't see Noah until the next day, maybe.
I think and think about what could have been the reason that made me jump up and I find it. I take my cell phone, put the ringtone back on and run into the living room, not paying attention to the constant dizziness due to weakness.

I'm in front of the laptop, waiting to boot it up. My hands start to shake, but I've gotten used to it by now. I've just been living with it for a while.
The obsession I've had in the last few days lights up a lot more once the internet is open. And, without thinking twice, I book a one-way flight to London, leaving in a couple of days. And for the return... well, it will all be a question mark.
I just know that, sooner or later, I will have to come back. I will leave many things behind, many people but also many objects. The house is mine, so I can keep everything as it is. I will only take away what is necessary and what I miss or need urgently, I will buy in London.
I have almost two days to do everything, so the time needed to prepare the necessary things and say goodbye to Grace. I already know that she will prevent me from leaving in any way, I'm sure of it. She'll think I'm crazy for leaving in such a hurry. Maybe, I am. I don't even have a backup plan and the only one is to stay here. But I do not want to. I need to cut all contact with New York and I need to cut all ties with him.
It will be cruel, but when I have to change SIM and number, to enable the English one, the only one to whom I will leave my new contact will be my best friend and will be the only person to whom I will give my new home address, hoping to not stay under a roof. I know he will search for me and I will make him suffer, more than he is already suffering. He will send me email after email, which I will never respond to. But this will be the only way to make him hate me and forget about me quickly.
Noah deserves better and he doesn't deserve a person who is no longer able to give him anything right now. So, I have to leave and I won't look back.
Of course, leaving and only being certain of your destination is pure madness. But it's the only way I can start again.

I chose London because it's the place where I would never feel alone.
However, I should warn him of my unexpected arrival and I should also hurry up, since I have just booked the flight and I can no longer cancel it.

I slide my finger across the address book, crossing my fingers that I still have his number.
We haven't spoken in forever, in fact. Who knows if he will still remember me!
What if he doesn't? What if he doesn't answer? So yes, I'm a goner and I should come up with other quick solutions. It's worth a try.

I go straight to the "P" and there it is. His name is still there. Paul.
Now, I hope it's still the same number. I cross my fingers tightly and place the call.
1,2,3,4 rings... he doesn't answer. Anxiety is starting to get to me. I'm in deep shit.
Suddenly, his voice.
<<Sarah! Oh my god! Hi!>> he exclaims happily, almost making me lose my hearing. I didn't remember his perfectly London accent.
Well, now I can relax a little. I could have sworn that he no longer remembered me or that he had deleted my contact! This heartens me.
<<Hey, Paul! Yes, it's a life. How are you?>> I reply awkwardly but happy.