INSIDE OF ME - ENG

IT'S NOT A GOODBYE, GRACE

I run down the stairs and almost kill myself. Grace keeps making my cell phone ring. I know, I'm only five minutes late but, for her, those miserable minutes are unforgivable.

<<Sorry! Sorry... oh God, I'm fainting!>> I exclaim breathlessly, hastily opening the door. Grace looks at me very badly, almost as if she wants to get rid of me.
<<You're the same as usual.>> she replies sourly. I huff and puff and settle myself as best I can, putting on my seat belt.
On the way to the Clover Club, we sing some hits at the top of our lungs. We just sing, carefree, like in the old days.
We park and finally go inside. I can't wait to down whatever I can, because the anxiety is starting to take over me.
"Sarah, calm down" I convince myself in my head.

The place is very crowded but, in the end, we manage to find a seat. Luckily, this time Grace doesn't fall for another bartender. She only has Craig on her mind, she's obsessed with him.
We order two Guinnesses. Tonight we won't have any cocktails as usually happens, we both want a nice cold beer.
<<So, how are you?>> she suddenly asks me.
I look at her for a moment, appearing a little too absent. <<Uh?>>
Grace frowns. <<Sarah? I asked you: so how are you? >> she repeats a little impatiently.
<<Oh... yes, sorry. Well, good. I'm fine.>> I stammer. Actually no, I'm not well and I'm afraid to talk to her openly. I already know how she will take it and that doesn't make me feel better.
<<Ok! Before giving you the third degree, let's guzzle this beer! Maybe a little alcohol in your body can help you to be less like a sleeper in the woods.>> she exclaims, with a hint of acidity.
I smile at her forcefully. I don't like this sarcasm from her at all.

Let's compete to see who can finish it first. Obviously, she's the one who beats me to it. Satisfied with her victory, she places the empty mug on the table with evident energy, turning towards me.
<<You're such a pushover! Haha, you're halfway there. Have you decided to give up?>> she exclaims, making fun of me. I nod, sticking my tongue out at her. I really think I'll miss these evenings with her.

Even when we were in college and went to parties, she always won all the drinking contests. I, on the other hand, was already stunned at the first glass.
<<So, since you've decided to lose, I have to give you the third degree.>> she concludes, preening herself properly.
But I decide to get ahead of her, I don't want all her endless questions, it would irritate me now.
<<Grace, before you can start, I should tell you a few things.>> I tell her seriously. Grace looks at me and her smile suddenly vanishes.
<<Okay. I'm all ears. Don't keep me on edge. It'll want to say that I'll give you the third degree next time. Meanwhile, we have so much time to spend together!>>
I look down, so as not to cry. Now, I don't really know how to tell her. Another person who will suffer because of me.
<<No... we won't have much time anymore...>> I murmur desolately.
Grace forces me to look at her, even if it means going against me, because I lack the courage.
<<What do you mean?>> she asks me perplexed. I put all my willpower into holding back the lump. I swallow a couple of times and try to hold her gaze.
<<It means that... Grace, I have decided to leave here. At least for a while. I'm leaving the day after tomorrow.>> I reply quickly.

My news stuns her. I see her stammer something incomprehensible, turn pale and then turn purple.
<<What... but... why... why?! Are you crazy? And where would you go? Do you leave everything?What?! You walk away and bye, to hell with everything?! Oh, Sarah...>> she blurts out in shock. I feel how disappointed she is in my behavior but she only knows about Josh, so she'll guess the reason is him, but it's not just him.

<<I'm going to London. Paul will host me for a while.>> I respond nervously.
She doesn't let me finish. This is her bad habit, she never lets a speech finish.
<<Paul?! Haha... oh god Sarah, that Paul?>> she keeps blurting out, hysterical.
<<Yes, that Paul. The Paul you never knew. The summer before entering college.>>
Inside I'm dying and I want to scream and smash everything, but, with great difficulty, I try to maintain self-control.
<<Yes... yes I remember. You told me about him. But why? Why do you want to leave? I'm so mad at you. You should have told me about that a long time ago, I would have helped you.>>
<<You couldn't have done anything, Grace. It was a decision that, in the end, I made at the last minute. Yesterday. Luckily, Paul decided to help me. And you have to know that he is just a good friend. Let it be clear.>>
Grace takes my now warm beer and downs it all in one gulp. I'm sorry to leave her like this, I never wanted to give her such a beating.
<<Yes, I believe you. But tell me, why are you doing it?>> she asks me with a lump in her throat. I take a deep breath, it's not easy to tell her, but I have to steel myself.
<<When Noah left for Wilmington, that same morning... I lost the baby.>>