INSIDE OF ME - ENG

IN THE BALANCE

I think I lost at least ten years of my life. It's as if I had just been thrown violently into a vortex where it's impossible to return. I am petrified.

Josh... She can’t talk about Josh himself. He can’t be my Josh. There’s no way that’s him. Otherwise I start thinking I’m in the wrong hands of fate. I’m mute. I don’t know what to answer. My head is full and it just wants to burst.
If I think for a moment, it’s true that there is a little similarity, but they don’t have to be brothers. I think again and again...

Josh, brother of Noah? Just the idea of thinking of such a thing I burst into a roaring lone laughter, resulting in being a hysterical madwoman. Manila will be wondering why so much joy, on the other hand we were in the middle of an important speech, because she looks at me questioning.
<<What happened that was so funny?>> she asks me, frowning. I keep laughing like nothing happened. <<Oh nothing. I’m sorry, I just came up with a funny anecdote and I couldn’t help myself.>> I answer with more restraint.
Then that’s all she asks. She simply looks up at the sky, beckoning me to follow her and in total silence we head in the direction that leads to my room, just for tonight.

We walk up the stairs in total silence, passing a long, fairly illuminated corridor and we finally reach the door that I imagine to be that of my room. Manila and I stop there. She caresses my cheek and smiles tenderly. I don’t seem to notice her eyes being shiny anymore.
<<Here we are. I hope I haven’t upset you tonight.>> she sighs, worried.
I lie again, denying. Actually, this has touched me enough.
<<No, don’t worry.>> I tell her with a slight smile.
<<Get some rest, honey. You need it. I’ll see you in the morning.>>
We greet each other, wishing each other goodnight and while Manila returns to her footsteps, I remain a little waiting, until I see her disappear in the shadows.

I snort, meditating just that little bit before I decide to go in. The awe that I have before my eyes once I open the door to that room is incredible. It’s gigantic, almost bigger than my entire apartment. I like the color of the walls, a relaxing blue and the parquet floor makes me make a cry of joy.  Finally, I will be able to walk barefoot without freezing my feet! Since I suffer a lot of cold.

I close the door behind me and let myself be guided by the curiosity to explore it all. In front, placed almost next to a large sliding glass door that overlooks a large terrace, a comfortable double bed upholstered with very classy night blue sheets, is calling my desire to throw myself over and make a nice and long sleep. Next to the bed, there are two elegant white bedside tables with glittery edges. I look away and see a real wardrobe; high and with two sliding doors, with two large front mirrors. And there’s a beautiful mirror. Also the same color of the wardrobe and the bedside tables and glitter, with a well-positioned above, an oval mirror and small neon lights that are the outline. Just out of curiosity, I go to that magic mirror to see what state my face is in.

How much I’d rather not do it... I really suck! I seem to have lost weight of I don’t know how many pounds. My face looks like a corpse and my eyes are dead and empty. I pass a hand through my hair but it doesn’t flow properly because they are too knotted. Better leave it alone, otherwise there’s a risk that I will hurt a lot trying to rip out some knots. I rather to go to bed and sink into it and I think it’s the right and most useful thing I can do right now. Sleep and sweep away thoughts. I wish I could sleep a few hours and not hear the name of Noah, Josh and so on, get everything out of my head and hope I can do it, at least that least.

I hadn’t noticed before, probably because of the dark color of the sheets, that above the pillows and carefully folded there is a purple pajamas. Not even the time to take it, that I can already smell the strong and good scent of lavender. It is a smell that I like so much because it relaxes me, great to help reconcile sleep. I really want to take all my clothes off and put it on right now, but I need to take a hot shower first. I’ve been lying outside on the floor a few hours before, I would never dare get under those blankets and wear those pajamas if I don’t clean myself up first.

I get undressed, throwing my clothes a little here and there and I walk in the direction of a door that is on the other side of the mega room, imagining it to be the bathroom. I couldn’t have better expectations. It doesn’t remember the micro box inside my apartment at all. This is a real bathroom! Two light marble sinks and a shower that whispers "use me". But Manila has thought of everything, because I find a toothbrush and a brand new toothpaste, as well as the sponge for the shower, shampoo and shower gel, various soaps and a well-folded pink bathrobe next to one of the two sinks. All this reminds me a little bit of being in a five-star hotel. I would scream for joy, too bad it’s just for tonight.

I run the shower water until it gets nice and hot, almost boiling. I love hot water even when it’s 40 degrees in the summer. The moment finally arrives to throw me inside; the hot and powerful jet is a cure-all for both my body and my thoughts. I’m like this for a long time, with my eyes closed, listening only to the sound of water. My body is relaxing a lot and all the tiredness is taking it away. After who knows how long, I open my eyes slowly and close the tap. I think it’s best to get out of here now or there’s a risk of me falling asleep on my feet and I don’t think that’s a good idea. I put on my robe and notice that it smells like lavender. I feel strangely happy now, maybe it’s because I’ve been able to have the proper relaxation I needed, which is not finished yet.

I get ready to go towards the bed looking forward to jump on it but when I’m there and almost ready to put on my pajamas, someone knocks on my door. Most likely it’s Manila who forgot to tell me something or to leave me some other product, maybe some slippers, since I’m unaware.

I decide to open with only my robe on. I’m 100% sure it’s her, so I’m not embarrassed and then I can finally go to sleep. Those few steps to get to the door are deadly, the hot shower and fatigue have made sure to make my legs heavy when two boulders.
That someone, supposedly Manila, knocks again. I don’t understand why she doesn’t try to call my name, perhaps because she thinks I’m sleeping. But it’s strange if she thinks that, she wouldn’t keep knocking otherwise. I decide to take the floor first, at these points.
<<Hold on, Manila! I’m coming.>>
My voice sounds quite weak and hoarse. No response from outside. It’s very strange.

I open the door and suddenly I hold the robe tightly with one hand, even if it's already fastened properly. I also know that I have blushed all of a sudden. I bar my eyes and my chest starts again with that usual violent palpitation. I am speechless. My eyes don't want to believe who I'm looking at right now
<< Sarah…>>
My name, his subtle tone, the way he looks a little distressed...
Noah is here, in front of me, almost inside my room.
I don’t know what he wants. I don’t know why he’s here, but I feel like abruptly my time and my emotions just stopped. I stand still as I am, not a single sound is going to come out of my mouth.

He cautiously takes a step closer to me and without me being able to say or do anything else, he grabs me and hugs me tightly.