INSIDE OF ME - ENG

ANOTHER NOAH

I'm driving to meet Noah at his secret apartment and in the meantime, I'm thinking about Grace.
I haven't told her anything yet. Honestly, I'm afraid to talk to her. I can already imagine her reaction once I tell her about the mess I made. Surely, it's not something I can tell her over the phone. I'll have to see her and deal with it.

I would like to try to distract myself a little, perhaps by playing music, because I am very nervous, but I rather silence and thinking carefully about how to start the conversation.
In a few minutes, you will see him again.
But how will I do it? Oh yeah, maybe I should start with a “Hi, Noah. Do you know that I am expecting a child from you?” of course… how to make him faint instantly!
And what will happen once I tell him everything? I'll have to tell him about Josh, too. About me and him and I don't know how he will take it. But I will have to tell him and, above all, I will have to tell him about the two of them, and what I found.
I know I can do it, but I'm also afraid of getting Josh in trouble, and he doesn't deserve it. I'm afraid of creating even more damage than what already exists between them. But I can't keep everything inside. I just have to try not to think about the worst and be more confident, without giving him the chance to think that he still has that damned power over me.
No, I can do it! I just have to figure out how and what to say... and it won't be easy at all.

I arrived at his house and I'm starting to feel terribly cold, that cold when you're very restless. I would like to immediately backtrack and immediately cut off all contact with him, now and forever. But now I'm here and I can't escape anymore, it would become more difficult going forward and I would risk living with the doubt of "what could have happened" if I had only tried.
I shrug my shoulders, bracing myself and ringing the intercom.
It would seem that Noah was standing there watching and waiting for me, because exactly the second later, he opens the door.

He is in front of me. That person who I hated deeply and who destroyed a good part of my life is here, and the only thing I feel inside is not hate, but how much I missed him. I'm so paralyzed that I can't even take a step forward.  I'm blocked, and it blocks me even more to see him smile at me hopefully. Nothing can be imagined. That smile will fade once he knows everything.
<<You came at last. I didn't hope for it anymore.>> he tells me, always with that hope printed in his eyes.
We both wait. I can't even say goodbye to him. He manages to break this embarrassment that is binding us, holding me close to him.
<<Your body is freezing... come on, let's go in.>> he continues, rubbing my back a couple of times, just to try to give me a little warmth.
Noah releases me and I involuntarily smile at him. Lately, it was a nice gesture on his part.
<<Thank you…>> I murmur in a low voice.
He puts his arm around my shoulders and we enter the house.

We remain standing in front of the door, looking at each other. I know we missed each other, I can see it in his eyes and, unfortunately, I have to be honest with myself; I missed him more than anything.
How is he always so handsome? How does he always have this effect on me? I'm a goner, I'm truly a goner! I grow weak before him. All my strength, my resistance disappear every time.
"Sarah… why are you so stupid? It's Noah, dammit! It's Noah!” and it's true. My thoughts are right. I'm just a fool for still being so in love with him and having my brains fucked like this.

<<Sarah…>> calls me, awakening me from that strange state of hypnosis.
I stare at him, catatonic, with a single fixed thought "to hell with everything".
I can't hold back any longer, now or never. My whole brain says the opposite, it says I should stay still and not do it, not even take a damn step, but my heart says something completely different and I decide to follow it, without thinking once more.
I suddenly fall on him and kiss him, filling the void that had been created in me, with the lack of him.
We kiss vehemently, undressing so quickly that we almost want to tear off our clothes, throwing them a little here and a little there, as we reach the bedroom, without paying attention to where we put our feet.