INSIDE OF ME - ENG

THE STARTING POINT - Sarah

SARAH

The scene before my eyes is nothing short of shocking.
Noah is beating Josh to death and the latter's face has now become unrecognizable.
I already knew that, once I opened the door to Josh's office, I would find myself faced with something that would upset me a lot, but I never imagined that Noah could go that far.

I'm shocked. Why did he do that? Why did he reduce his brother like that? What really happened in here in my absence?
Not this time, I can take Noah's side. He was totally wrong, because that's not how things are resolved. He may have had all the reasons in the world, but he should have remained calm.
I can't forgive him for what he did.

Without thinking for a second too long, I rush to Josh's body.
His face is destroyed, soaked in blood and his beautiful eyes seem to have become two enormous balls.
I try to caress his forehead very delicately, I'm afraid of causing him more pain than he is already feeling.
My hand is shaking, I feel dizzy, I don't even have the strength to hold back the tears that are now flowing like a raging river, and I am so, so angry and disappointed. I wish I had never had to face all that.
I continue to gently caress his face and, for a moment, I feel his hand weakly touching mine. His gesture manages to calm my tremor slightly, but it increases my anger towards Noah even more.
This is all wrong, it shouldn't have ended like that.
<<Sarah...>> Josh whispers to me weakly.
Behind me, I feel Noah's gaze directed towards us and I can even imagine the kind of look he is projecting right now, noticing my concern for his brother and my indifference towards him, but I don't have the strength to turn around and looking at him full on again would make me feel even worse.

<<Sarah... you're here...>> Josh murmurs exhaustedly.
<<Shhh... Josh, don't force yourself.>> I whisper to him tearfully.
He continues to touch my fingers, which are now stained with his blood, and his, too, begin to tremble.
For a while, we stand there looking at each other. He barely manages to keep his eyes open and between us, only a deafening silence reigns, but it's interrupted almost immediately by Noah's voice.
<<Sarah, forgive me... please...>> he murmurs weakly.
I don't dare turn around, I can't. What he did was like betraying my feelings.
<<Sarah, please let me explain>> Noah insists.
I decide to turn around, staring at him in disappointment, removing my hand from Josh's face.
<<What is there to explain, Noah. I think you've already managed to explain yourself well enough.>> I reply harshly.
I see his eyes dim due to the tears that are taking over.
<<I'm calling an ambulance.Your brother needs to be treated. Because of you, he's like a rag."

Noah continues to stare at me full of sadness. Immediately after, perhaps from saying the word "ambulance", I hear Josh call me back, touching my hand again.
<<No... no ambulance. I can also do it alone... but thanks, Sarah...>> Josh replies with a little less weakness.
<<But... you need to be seen, Josh!>> I tell him alarmed.
I don't understand why he doesn't want to be helped. Is he perhaps afraid of being taken to hospital?
<<No, really... please, I need you not to worry about me anymore...>>

I look at him quite perplexed. He's confusing me and Noah doesn't say anything, he doesn't take my side. He just stays quiet.
<<But, Josh!>> I insist worriedly. He suddenly releases my hand, trying to open his eyes slightly and perhaps I can glimpse the coldness he throws at me, leaving me stunned.
<<Sarah, stop. Really, enough. These are no longer your business. From now on, I need you to stay away from me and my life.>> he tells me coldly.
His words hurt me. I'm here, worrying and taking care of him, without listening to his brother, but he's sending me away like this. I feel stunned, above all, because he's saying all this in front of Noah.
Josh takes a soft sigh. <<There's another one in my life now...>> he continues, expressionless.

"There's another one"... that damn phrase keeps echoing in my head and it's as if he just stuck a dagger in my heart.
I want to know who she is... or maybe it would be better not to know? Maybe to avoid hurting myself further.
But I don't want to believe that he has already forgotten me in all this haste!
Josh, why are you doing this to me? Is it perhaps to take revenge for the harm I have caused you?
Yet, in his earlier gesture, I still felt love from him.

I come back just that second to ask him the name of the new girl, only because I'm stupid and perhaps a little masochistic.
<<Who is she...>> I ask him, at the end, weakly.
<<Sarah, you can't do this to me... I can't...>> he replies with discomfort.
<<Tell me, Josh. Tell me who she is...>> I insist, starting to sob.
<<Jenny... it's Jenny.>> he concludes wearily.

I can't say exactly how I feel now, I just know that, again, I feel that horrible sensation of having just been catapulted into the void. Jenny... I could have imagined it.
He has always had a soft spot for her and vice versa but... doing it like this, as if nothing had ever existed between us, is just hypocritical. And Jenny had become my friend too, as long as I worked here.
Josh just broke my heart and I'm unsure what to do. If he wasn't reduced to this state, he would totally deserve a slap.

<<You disgust me...>> I attack him in disgust and in a low voice. I have nothing else to say to him.
I simply stand up, trying not to look at his face anymore.
I just think that maybe, now I can imagine why Noah lunged at him so violently. Maybe he just wanted to defend me. Deep down, Josh has always been like this, surrounded by many girls, always not caring about other people's feelings. But this time, my feelings were at stake. I trusted him. And in this delicate moment that I'm going through, he shouldn't have done that to me.
In the end, I wonder how long he had been carrying on with her. If it was something that started recently, after our breakup, or if it was something that had been going on for a while. Maybe he was just keeping his foot in the park without both of us knowing and I handed him everything on a silver platter and made him run to Jenny.

I walk with my head down to get out of there. I walk past Noah, trying to hide my pain from him, I don't want him to see me cry over someone who's been teasing me this whole time. But Noah stops me and I don't have the courage to take another step.
We stare at each other without saying anything.
My heart begins to give in and, as I look into those eyes full of sadness and hope, I begin to understand that he has always done everything, even if wrongly, just to want to protect me from all that.
Noah, the tormented boy full of secrets, has always loved me, in his own way, but he has always loved me and I always understood it too late. Like now, when I understood it only by seeing my image reflected in his eyes, which are begging me to come back to him.
<<Noah...>> I whisper to him almost under hypnosis. Inside, I feel shaken and the more we stare at each other, the more I feel my heart opening up to him again.
<<Stay...>> he whispers weakly.

We stare at each other, as if the time between us had never passed, as if it were always the first time, the first time I fell in love with him.

<<Let's go, Noah... take me away with you...>> I tell him sincerely. And that's really what I want and what we need right now. Being together, just me and him.
Noah nods and, taking my hand, we walk away, leaving Josh behind.

Noah and I have always belonged together. Many obstacles have always arisen between us in order to divide us definitively, but an invisible thread has always kept us bound.
It's something inexplicable. But I know that even if I put all my willpower into it, I would never be able to stay away from him, it's stronger than me.
And I could never live without him.