INSIDE OF ME - ENG

SAY GOODBYE

There is a storm inside his eyes, but there is only emptiness inside mine.

“Yes, it's a goodbye” I keep repeating to myself.  He doesn't even have to tell me, I just need to look at him. It's a goodbye, it's really over between us.

<<I will love you forever, Sarah...>> he murmurs.  By now his face is soaked in tears.
<<Please, don't say anything more...>> I reply softly.
I feel myself wavering in absolute nothingness, I no longer perceive any emotion. I can't cry, even though I want to, and it doesn't seem real I'm losing him.
I just have to thank myself for everything.
<<Go away, please...>> I whisper, looking away from those damned eyes that are killing me.
<<But…. Sarah… I… I'm sorry.>> he stammers. He is scared, like me, and worried.
Maybe he doesn't really want to leave, but his presence here is becoming burdensome.
<<I told you to go away, Josh. Please… I don't want to see you anymore.>> I tell him coldly, but not because I really want it. I do it for him, and to avoid seeing him suffer any more.
<<Whatever…>> he murmurs with a hint of disappointment, getting up from the sofa.

I still don't want to look at him or I'd burst into tears, and I do want to show myself strong, at least in front of him. But, as he starts to walk away, I hear his steps stop almost immediately.
<<Before I leave and disappear from your life forever, you need to know that I would have fought for us anyway.>>
At this point, I feel the need to look up and look at him.
Unfortunately, I can't hold on any longer, and I let go of those tears that I was holding back with all the willpower possible.
<<I know you want to keep this baby and it would only be selfish to tell you to not or put yourself in front of a choice.>> he sighs. <<I just needed time to think about it and understand what would be best for both of us. I would have come back to you, because I love you. And even though this child belongs to the person I most despise in the world, I would have done anything for you and, probably, with time, I would have even been able to love him. But you're sending me away, Sarah.>> he continues bitterly, and I'm left speechless.
I'm making another mistake. I'm sending him away against his will, but even if I were to try to stop him, I know that this time, I wouldn't be able to.
Josh sighs heavily, looking at me with concern. <<You should tell him... Noah, I mean. I'm not the one you really want in your life. It's Noah, it's always been him.>> he concludes sadly.

I look at him perplexed. I feel like I'm gasping for air, and I feel ashamed of myself, because it's like he just exposed my heart to me.
I don't want to listen to his words, to the fact of Noah and to the fact that I have always loved him. It's not like that, it's not like that at all. I love Josh but… why, then, did that sentence upset me so much?
Noah had a significant importance in my life, but I no longer love him or maybe I just convinced myself that this is really the case.
I think I'm confused.

<<But… Josh… it's not like that, you know…>> I stutter in a confusing way.
<<No, I don't know anything anymore, Sarah. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry for everything, but I can't go on like that.>> he replies resignedly. <<We both know it wouldn't have worked. As long as Noah is in your heart, there will never be space for me.>> he speaks to me more sweetly, now giving up on everything. I don't want to prove him right, but if I dug deeper, into the deepest bowels of me, maybe he might even have it.

Josh is leaving, and I don't even have the strength to get up and go get him.
He is leaving me free, even if it's not what he really, in his heart, would like, even if he is suffering like a dog, but he is doing it. He is leaving me free to make my own choices, knowing that once he closes that door, he will never go back and nothing will ever be the same again.
In his eyes I see melancholy but also courage, and it's the courage of someone who has made an important choice, but who didn't do it for himself; letting me go and sending me where, in the end, it started this whole story.
Josh is throwing me into the arms of his worst enemy; his brother. The only direction that my heart chose from the beginning and that it never wanted to forget.

He leaves me. He leaves me like this, slamming the door behind him, without even saying hello or goodbye.
<<Josh…>> I murmur to myself, once he's gone, and I burst into tears.
It's all my fault, I should have stopped him, I should have run after him and told him to stay. I should have told him that he was the most important person in my life, and not Noah. But I didn't.
I sat still and quiet, waiting for him to go away.

What the hell did I do... I incinerated the possibility of being happy and being next to a boy who would have loved me with all of himself. Because yes, Josh did all this just because he truly loves me, what about me? I sent him away, kicking him in the heart because, without realizing it, without me realizing what I was doing, I only showed indifference and I wasn't able to love him.

I huddle, bringing my knees close to my chest, thinking about what to do. Whatever I do right now is wrong.
I look at the cell phone that I had placed on the table and, aware that I am about to make another mistake, I decide to take it.
I remain hesitant about what to do, while before my eyes, I scroll through the address book looking for his contact.
My hands are shaking for the hundredth time as I read and reread his name. I'm scared and undecided. I don't know whether to call him or leave it alone, and I'm afraid he won't answer.
I press the receiver and, with my heart in my throat, I put the cell phone to my ear.

Two rings, I already want to hang up. I am determined to do it, but it's now too late. On the other side, I hear his voice and my heart starts to beat violently, thinking only of how much I missed hearing him.
<<Sarah…>> he replies immediately. His voice has a surprised tone.
I leave him waiting, I can't talk to him, it's as if my tongue had just been ripped off. Every time, it's always like this with him... I go haywire, but it seems to be so much worse now and I don't even know where to start.
The anticipation increases, but he still manages to break it.
<<Sarah… Are you there?>> he asks me worriedly.
Still that wait... I can't do it, but I have to. Now I can't back out anymore.
<<Noah...>> I murmur between anguish and agitation.
Now he's the one making me wait, but not for long.
<<Are you okay? >> he asks me.
<<No... I'm not well, Noah...>> I murmur even more softly. My voice is almost inaudible, only because I'm trying to hold back the lump. <<Let's meet at my emergency apartment, at nine this evening.>> he replies thoughtfully.
<<Ok, I'll be on time. See you tonight, Noah.>>
The wait starts again. It seems he has no intention of hanging up the call just yet, and neither do I.
I hear him breathing hard, and I imagine that he too is experiencing some sort of tachycardia.
It's my turn to take the first step, say hello and close, but he gets ahead of me.
<<Sarah?>>
<<Yes, tell me.>> I answer him questioningly.
<<I missed you.>>

I don't give him an honest answer. That "I missed you" of his managed to upset every little part of me, making me feel even more guilty, both for him and for Josh.
I feel like I'm in limbo again. So I let him wait a bit before I can say something to him, swallowing some more pain.
<<See you tonight, Noah.>> I tell him almost sobbing. And I attack, without waiting for a response from him.

I throw the phone in the corner of the sofa, curling into myself once again. I simply stare into space, thinking only that, perhaps, Josh was right about everything.
Without wanting to admit it to myself, I believe that, in the end, Noah has always been inside of me.