INSIDE OF ME - ENG

I LOST EVERYTHING

I wake up with a start.
I was so exhausted that I managed to fall asleep immediately, but remained half asleep throughout the night.

The little I managed to close my eyes, my dreams were invaded by the usual terrible nightmare; Josh leaving my hand to launch himself into the void.
And this bad feeling of falling into the void, where you feel your stomach rising up to your throat, woke me up suddenly, in a panic. It's like being on a roller coaster. And it's as if I too were falling along with him.
I tell myself it was just a nightmare, looking at reality. But it's hard to look at it, because that recurring nightmare is equivalent to the fact that he's no longer there, and it's difficult to accept it.

I turn to the other side of the bed, expecting to find Noah next to me, but his side is intact. He is not here. My heart sank.
But now I remember, he would go to sleep at his house. Strangely, I had removed that part...
I don't want to sleep anymore, but I want to stay a little longer under the covers and in the dark.
I take my cell phone, there is a message from him.

FROM: NOAH

Hey, hope you're feeling a little better. I'm sorry I didn't stop tonight. Anyway, off we went. The journey will be a bit long. I'll send you a message as soon as we get everything done. Noah

True, they would be leaving by car very soon.
The clock shows six in the morning. The message, however, was sent an hour earlier. I think it's better not to answer him, we promised ourselves.
We promised to give ourselves time. I don't like this reality that is appearing before me at all. It doesn't seem true to me. I don't think I'll ever accept it and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. In a short time, I ruined both of them lives and I will never rest.

I throw the covers over my head, letting out a loud huff. I'm a total mess! I don't understand how Noah can still keep up with someone like me, especially after what I've done.
How can he not hate me? How can he still look me in the face?
As I get lost in my heartbreaking thoughts, my stomach begins to growl very loudly. I'm hungry, is this a good sign?
I haven't eaten anything since yesterday, after Grace left.
My stomach is forcing me to get out of bed and immediately go and eat something.

Reluctantly, I get up. I don't even have time to get up and put my feet on the ground before my head starts to spin badly, slightly blurring my vision. I believe it's due to the weakness and all the stress accumulated in the last few days and, above all, the fact that I have slept almost nothing and not at all well.
Come on, Sarah! You can do it!
I encourage myself and try again. It works, I can get up without further fainting.
Slowly, I make my way out of the room, feeling strangely like I'm walking on eggshells.
It's only my stomach that is encouraging me to go to the kitchen and open the fridge, if it were for my brain, I would continue to fast.

Finally, I arrive at my destination without problems.
In the refrigerator I still find an unopened bottle of milk. I could have a nice breakfast with milk and cornflakes. But I have a doubt now, I don't know if I still have a box of cornflakes. I'll check the pantry right away. This morning I'm lucky, I have two boxes left.
I can prepare a quick breakfast, so my stomach is finally happy.

Thoughts about Josh's death start to force their way into my head again.
I look at the still half-full cup and the hunger immediately stops, making me feel sick.
I'm not hungry anymore. I may have given just two spoonfuls, but I already feel quite full.
Those thoughts are haunting me again and I can't push them away, looking for more.
The problem is, it's impossible for me to search for other thoughts right now. So, I let them take over and do whatever they want with me.

I drop my cup of cornflakes and throw my head on the table. Those tears that I thought I had exhausted, come back as good as new. And once again that choice that I was slowly putting aside comes back. I don't want to be here anymore, I can't stay here anymore. It's not my place anymore.
I should go and do it for real, as soon as possible, and before I run out completely.
Unfortunately, there's only one reason that's stopping me from dropping everything and leaving. The reason is that little dot that is growing inside. Noah's half.
And now that he knows, he'll do anything to keep me from leaving and he'll still keep me here. And without him I wouldn't be able to raise him.
It's all an endless circle that leads nowhere.

My hand goes straight to my belly, it's like I can't feel anything now. It's so calm...
Suddenly, an excruciating pain forces me to get up from the chair and throw myself on the floor, doubling over in pain. I scream as loud as I can, in the grip of pain and fear. I have excruciating cramps that feel like they're piercing my stomach or worse, that feel like they're stabbing me violently.
I cry. I cry and scream because of the strong pain that doesn't let me get up from the ground and I cry because I'm scared.
Is this my punishment? Feeling physically ill on top of already feeling mentally ill? I'm scared, I'm so scared. I don't understand what these terrifying pains could mean.
I can't move, I can't do anything at all. I can't even call Grace or an ambulance because my cell phone is still in the room and I don't have the strength to get up.

I stay like that for who knows how many minutes until, suddenly, he disappears.
I feel like there's something wrong, something that makes me feel even worse. I feel a strange and bad sensation on me, on my body. I feel like my panties are getting wet and that alarms me.
No, not this too... I don't want to think the worst.  I pray this isn't what I'm imagining.
I'm already grieving for Josh, fate can't be more horrible than it already is.

Now that I have the strength to get up, I immediately run to the bathroom.
I quickly pull down my pajama pants and check my panties. And what I see traumatizes me.
I don't want to believe it... it didn't really happen...
They are dirty with heavy blood loss. Now, I'm starting to understand why, lately, I couldn't sense anything inside me anymore.

I can't realize. First Josh and now... the baby is gone too.
I lost him, and together with him, I also lost all emotions, in the blink of an eye. I don't feel anything anymore, I just feel empty.
I would have named him Josh if it had been a boy. I think Noah would have approved, he would have been happy about it.

But now, now that I've lost everything, what's the point of staying here anymore? It doesn't make sense anymore.
There's nothing left to keep me anchored to this place. And there's nothing that keeps me tied to Noah anymore.