INSIDE OF ME - ENG

NEW REALITY

The dinner continues quietly, at least for the moment, and my previous anguish has finally disappeared. A bit because Noah is talkative with both me and Manila and a bit because the latter has not yet filled me with questions like "where you come from, what is your work and so on" so, questions in my case, that can not be worthy of a real answer. She told me about how she met Noah and his family and how much she loves him.

It’s hard to believe, but Noah didn’t tell her anything about me or the job I was doing after being fired by his father. He remains very vague and I wonder if I should prepare for a sudden stabbing before the end of the evening.

I’m sitting next to Manila and she turns, pouring some couscous into my plate. I’m starting to have a full stomach, but I don’t want to tell her I’m okay, she cooked so much for us that I wouldn’t want her to get sad and then it’s all so delicious.

Until now, I’ve tried to avoid Noah’s eyes enough, but now I surprise him studying me and this way makes me feel a little awkward. I don’t know how many times he’s seen me blush, maybe a thousand or maybe more and so he’s already used to my reactions every time I catch him looking at me. But here’s, that warmth to my ears that I already know, comes lightning fast and there is no way to stop it. Eyes on the plate and I start to turn the fork as if nothing had happened.

All of a sudden, as if I were not already in trouble of my own, Manila turns again towards me but this time without abusing of other food my dish.
<<How did you two meet?>>
Ta dann!! And here we go. Let’s start the interrogation! But how am I doing now? I knew that the evening would not end well. Okay, Sarah, let’s pull it together!
I tighten my jaw, swallow, try to calm down and pretend to clear my throat a couple of times.
<<Well...>> I answer almost in a whisper. <<Actually, we bumped into each other the very first morning I walked into Stumphone.>>
I look up from the plate and look at Noah, where he replies with a thoughtful look.
<<Clash?>>  Manila starts laughing. <<What did you do to this blessed girl?>>  and she keeps laughing, even though I don’t understand what’s so funny. If she knew the whole story, she’d know there was nothing funny that day. But I guess from the outside, it can be something else.
But I’ll never forget that day, because I met the most idiotic person on this planet!
Noah looks up and puffs. <<Nothing, Manila. It was an accident.>> he replies so annoyed, that Manila makes a gesture with her hand in surrender, then I try to take the reins in hand.
<<I called him the "blouse stain".>>
The laughter of Manila infects me again, so I answer her amused. But instead of taking the joke, he still snorts and gets up, looking at us annoyed. <<Excuse me, but I feel quite tired. I’m going up to the room to rest. You can continue the evening.>>
He then turns to Manila without even looking at me. <<Manila, then show her what her room is. Goodnight.>>
She nods, looking at him a little confused.
I keep quiet, without saying good night and we both watch him leave the dining room.

That moment of silence makes me think about what could have happened in his head for reacting in this way and that saddens me but strangely, saddens me more to see him go away so bitter.
Noah is so hard to understand. One minute he’s cheerful, the next minute it’s like the world collapse on him. It takes one word to become another person.
I can feel Manila’s hand resting on my shoulder. <<Honey, I’m sure he was really very tired. Noah works continuously every day. Don’t be upset, I know my boy very well.>> she talks to me as if she had read my thoughts. I smile at her, nodding my head. Perhaps I should seize the opportunity; ask her something more about him. Who knows him better than she does? Apart from his father.
I’m going to ask her a question, but she's ahead of me.
<<Noah didn’t have an easy life.>> her tone has now changed. It’s serious. I want to know everything.
<<I guess he never told you about his life. But I don’t want to tell you things that he might be upset about if he found out, and most importantly, I want him to tell you about it, because he needs to trust someone else. He doesn’t have to trust me all the time.>> she talks to me so quietly that I feel the need to confide.
<<Manila, he’s so twisted, I can’t figure him out and I want to be honest, we can’t stand each other. Since the first day we just happened to bump into each other and he spill hot coffee on my blouse. What little contact we had was more like not liking each other than anything else. And what’s more, his father also fired me...>>
She won’t let me finish my sentence, she is shocked. <<Robert?!>> she shouts his name in a loud, angry voice. I nod sadly and I am sorry to have turned off her joy.
<<Oh honey, I didn’t know... I’m sorry. If I can do something, talk to Robert...>>
She only met me tonight, and she already worries like this.
<<Don’t worry, but thanks, it’s okay, I’m fine now.>> I’m actually lying, but it’s more like it. Not by a miracle I want to go back in there, especially after the bad figure made with his father and it wouldn’t even be right to involve her, which is so much of the heart. Because of me, I don’t want her to have problems with them and much more with Noah. After all, she treats him like a son.

Manila smiles softly at me.
<<Anyway, forget the past. You’re here now and he wants you here, that’s important.>>
Her convinced words make me tremble for a moment. How can he want me here?
I would like to continue this interesting conversation and ask her many other things, but I feel that the fatigue is coming and I don’t want to fall asleep on the table.
<<Forgive me, Manila, but I am devastated. I will try to sleep a few hours.>> my words come out tired. Manila consents. <<Of course, I accompany you.>>

As we rise from our seats, she stop me one last time.
<<There’s something I need to tell you.>>
All this seriousness upsets me a lot and she realizes, perhaps because when I feel troubled I lose my eyes, but she smiles timidly trying to reassure me.
<<Oh, don’t worry, darling! But you have to promise me that you won’t tell Noah anything, and if he wants to tell you one day, you have to pretend like you don’t know. He is like a son to me, so nobody, except me, knows.>> she speaks to me in a good-natured tone but serious at the same time.
I’m getting more and more curious about this story, but there’s one little detail I don’t understand.
<<Okay. But why do you want to tell me?>>
Manila watches me, pinching me on the cheek.
<<You’re right. I only met you a few hours ago, but I liked you right away. I feel like you’re a good person, and if you want to, you’ll have the strength to stand next to Noah, because you’ll do him good, and he misses this. So you give me so much confidence.>>

I think my brain is no longer understanding anything, it shut down for a moment, it went haywire. Stay with Noah? Why the hell? He doesn’t even like me and it’s mutual!
My head is spinning and it’s not fatigue this time. However, I stand in front of her, without moving a muscle, waiting for her speech to continue.
<<The reason he doesn’t want people to know is complicated, but I trust that one day he’ll take the courage to tell you.>>
Manila gets darker and takes a sigh before confiding this strange secret to me.
<<Noah has a younger brother.>>

Is that all? All this mystery and tension just to know that he has a brother?
All right, I’d like to rewind the tape and get a better understanding of this riddle. Is it possible that anyone close to Noah is this weird? I’m going to go totally crazy, too, chasing this.

I refrain from laughing because I find it all funny and I pretend to put as much seriousness as possible, noting precisely how much she is sad.
<<Ah, I didn’t know he had a brother. Same parents?>> I ask her and she nods yes.
<<But that’s all I can say, it’s a really bad story, and you need a nice, warm shower and a good night’s sleep.>> she answers me like, "please don’t ask me any more questions."
But this damned curiosity beats me and I decide to ask her one more question before I go up to my room and close the world for a while.
<<Can I just know one more thing? His name.>>
Her eyes show no positive signs. She is sore and I seem to see tears filling her eyes.

There are plenty of seconds before she speaks again. She nervously taps her fingers on the table and as she watches their movement, she finally decides to answer me.
<<Josh. His name was Josh.>>