INSIDE OF ME - ENG

MY OTHER HALF

Noah is at the entrance of the house. His face is destroyed.
We look at each other and a profound silence is created around us. I want to smile at him, just to give him some strength, but I can't. I stare at him motionless, staying like that for quite a while.

<<Hi.>> I whisper to him finally.
<<Hi.>> he replies faintly.
<<How are you?>> I ask him awkwardly.
I know, it's a stupid question, because I already know how he is, but I'm trying to create as little tension as possible. Unfortunately, this silence is making us uncomfortable.
<<Destroyed.>> he murmurs weakly.

Noah crosses the threshold of my house and we hug. There is no need to tell us anything anymore. The atmosphere is already saying too much.

He heads to the kitchen to drink a glass of water. All in total silence. I watch his every move, his every expression, and it breaks my heart. Noah is really devastated.
In the end, he loved his brother, even though they could never stand him. I believe that this will be an unfillable void for him. And I think that even though he's always messed up a lot, he would like him back.
All this, it's convincing me even more, to make that choice. It will be hard to take his and, above all, it will be even harder to tell him.
Grace's words come to mind, not to leave him alone, to take care of each other and that we both need each other.
But I, on the other hand, am simply abandoning him.

I join him in the kitchen and pour myself some water too. I need to rehydrate, my mouth feels completely dry.
<<Have you eaten?>> he asks me.
<<Oh... yes. A little something. I wasn't hungry that much, but then Grace came and she insisted that I eat something.>> I reply thoughtfully.
My friend's final words continue to take hold.
<<You did well to stay with her for a while. Do you know?>>
I nod. But there's something about his tone of voice that makes me a little uncomfortable. So, I lower my face and start fiddling with the now empty glass.
<<Yes... I had to tell her.>> I reply softly.

Noah comes over and hugs me again. He holds me weakly, as if my body has become so fragile for him.
I breathe in his scent. I breathe him in so deeply as if he will remain with me forever.
I missed him. Now, I realize that all those hours without him made me miss him more. And being close to him now puts me at ease.
Maybe, I'm starting to change my mind? Is Grace right? Maybe that's right, I should just stay close to him and not run away again.
I hold onto him, hugging him tightly, throwing my face onto his chest. I don't want to cry anymore, I've run out of tears now, and my eyes are very tired.

<<Noah?>> I ask him, holding him even tighter.
<<Tell me?>>
I'm breathing almost hard, my face is so glued to his chest that I feel like I'm suffocating.
<<Did you see him?>> I ask him weakly.
Noah rests his chin on top of my head, starting to stroke my hair. I hear him let out a loud huff and doesn't respond right away.
<<Yes...>> he murmurs absently.
I get a lump in his throat.
<<Can you tell me...>>
I can't finish the sentence, my voice breaks in half and Noah has understood, because he starts squeezing me more forcefully, almost as if he wants to make me enter him.
<<No... it's better not to.>>
<<Ok...>> I murmur in a strangled voice.
And maybe it's for the best. Maybe it's better not to know, so as not to hurt myself further.  And maybe Noah was right not to want to take me with him. Perhaps the fact of not having seen him will help me preserve an image of Josh that I have always loved. An image that will always be imprinted in my heart, because, deep down, a part of me will always be with him. And sadly, that part of me has now died along with him.
I still have the other part intact though, because it's with Noah. But, if I just try to look into his eyes, I shiver, because I seem to see him again.
They got the same eyes, the same look and Noah, in many other things, reminds me of him.  And that's exhausting.

<<Sarah, listen...>>
I lift my head, not realizing I was wetting his shirt, and look at him. Noah continues to stare straight ahead.
<<Tomorrow morning, my father and I have to leave.>> he sighs. I shake my head, I feel scared, I don't want him to go away. I really don't want it.
<<We will be out of town for a few days>> he continues, without a minimum of expressiveness.
<<Noah, don't leave me alone, please. Take me with you.>> I implore him with a lump in my throat.
<<I can't. And then, you are not alone. You can call Grace.>>
I start to tremble and immediately pull away from his embrace.
<<Why? Why can't I?>> I exclaim agitatedly.
<<Because it's a family thing...>>
<< And I'm not family.>> I interrupt him sourly.
Noah looks at me, perplexed.
<<That's not what I meant. Yes, yes you are my family. You're the only family I have left...>> he exclaims, his voice trembling.
His words confuse me. Am I his only family?  But, his father? Manila? I am astonished for a moment. I certainly never imagined hearing such strong words from Noah's mouth. I stared at him, my eyes wide, not knowing what to say.
<<We'll go to Wilmington. Josh has always loved that place. That's where we will scatter his ashes. In the ocean.>> he confesses to me with infinite sadness.
<<I just want you to always have a beautiful image of him and that you will only remember the beautiful moments you spent together. I don't want you to remember him that way. I know how much you loved him. He was my brother, I knew him better than anyone, and I know that he truly loved you.>>

At these words, I'm starting to feel completely disconcerted. Is this really Noah talking? He has never said anything more beautiful and true about Josh in all the time I've known them.
My stomach tightens and the pain returns powerfully. Now I miss him more than before. If only I could have been close to him seriously...

I hug him to his chest and burst into tears. I no longer have the strength to hold back any longer. By now, I'm exhausted. I just wish he was here.

We hold each other close for an infinite time, no longer counting the hours that are slowly separating us.

Noah won't stay the night. He has to go back to his house to prepare everything for departure on tomorrow morning.
Part of me is happy that he doesn't stay here, because I wouldn't feel like sharing a bed with him tonight. I wouldn't feel it was correct.
The other part, however, isn't, because I'm afraid of being alone and perhaps staying close to him could give me some comfort.
But I don't reply and I don't give him a chance to see that I'm a little sorry, we simply say goodbye.
I think, in part, we're ready to stay apart for a while. I know this will only do us good.

I need to be alone and he needs to be with his father and, above all, with his brother once again.
We swore that we wouldn't even talk to each other for all those days, except in emergencies. He'll just text me, shortly after Josh is released into his ocean, so that I can say goodbye to him from afar, since I won't be able to see him even one last time.
Noah, deep down, knows that I'm ready to let him go, which is why he knows that I haven't had too many problems. Of course, I will miss him, but I feel ready.
But I think deep down he already knows that I will never be ready to say goodbye to Josh.