INSIDE OF ME - ENG

TRYING TO REACH YOU- Josh

All I want to do is go to Sarah.
I just want to talk to her and try to bring her back to me. Maybe she’ll show some mercy by showing up like this; drunk and desperate.

I realize that it is already morning, when once opened the door, I am almost blinded by the strong sunlight.
Now I understand why vampires hate that fireball so much and only come out during the night. All this glow is burning me too.
Instinctively, I put my hand over my eyes as if I wanted to cover them up. I can’t even keep them open. It’s probably because I’m still feeling really dizzy or because I also have such a terrible headache, and if I could, I would rip my brain off and throw it away somewhere. I’d probably make a big deal too, since I don’t keep my wits about me anymore.

What am I doing? Running to her like this, by now... she might still be asleep. He’ll take me for a psychotic lunatic, one more negative adjective that’ll be on the agenda.
I have to stop torturing myself with all this paranoia. I have to go through with it. If I fail again, I will swear that I will get out of her life forever or maybe I will try to swear to myself. But I will be honest. I don’t want to lose her before I know if there’s any chance for us.

In the meantime, as I navigate through all these thoughts, I reach the car a little dangling. It's the last and only one left parked.
I can think of Karim right away. I wonder what he thought seeing Sarah go out alone tonight. He hasn’t written me anything, he’s probably minding his own business as usual, and that’s something I really appreciate.

I’d like to light a cigarette before I get in the car just to waste a few minutes and think about what tactic to use to make sure she doesn't throw me out and let me talk, but my stomach is begging me not to. I turn over the pack of cigarettes, still undecided whether to take one or not and I throw it back in one of the pockets.
I get in the car, pulling a decisive blow at the wheel with both palms of my hands and I vent again throwing my head right on that poor steering wheel that I am massacring, mumbling between me and me.
<<What the fuck am I doing... I’m ridiculous... >>
Puff, puff and for the umpteenth time puff. I get another gag and I start to think that the best thing would be to leave and go home, throw myself on the bed and sleep until tomorrow. Instead, I get back on my feet, start the engine and go.

I’m rushing at lightning speed, a little reckless on my part, given the high alcohol level in my body, but with all the crap I’ve done in my life, maybe this is the last I’ll ever do.
Now my only thought is just to run to her and I want to do it as fast as I can.
God, Sarah, how much you’re missing me... if you only knew...

I arrived. I parked under her house. I looked up to see if her blinds are up and the answeris positive. I keep my eyes fixed on her window for I don’t know how many seconds but I can’t decide whether to go down or not.
I have the anxiety of a negative reaction from her. I’m afraid to screw it up again. When I come to touch something beautiful, I always destroy it. It’s like this every time. And she’s the most precious thing I’ve ever found for myself.
I want her with me but at the same time I don’t want her anymore. I don’t want to drag her further down into my own hell. I’m torn between doing everything to get her back and not doing it.
Other dizzy spells are taking over my head again because of my stupid hangover tonight. The acidity of the stomach that had just subsided is starting up worse than before. All right, I wanted this.

I slam the door of my car and walk to her door. I am determined and certain of what I am about to do, and whatever she'll decide of our fate, I will accept it.