INSIDE OF ME - ENG

THE WHOLE TRUTH

Josh is coming into the house and I'm waiting for him sprawled on the sofa.
Luckily, he doesn't have the privilege of seeing me curled up on the floor in the bathroom again.
I had to leave him a copy of my keys, since he's been staying with me for a week or more now and it's more convenient for both of us.
In the meantime, I've managed to recover a little, so I won't give him strange suspicions right away. I have to stay quiet, at least until we get home. I don't want to ruin our evening. Of course, acting won't be easy, I'm not an Oscar-winning actress, but I'll try, for my sake and for his.

<<Hey, little one.>> he greets me affectionately, throwing me a kiss, which I gladly return. I'm happy he came back to me. I was starting to miss his presence a little too much.
Josh has the power to always make me feel protected. I feel safe with him and besides, he always makes me feel like the best in everything.
I can't give him a beating like that... damn me! I start to torment myself again in those damned thoughts, making me immediately sad.
<<Hey, is everything okay?>> he asks me worriedly.
For a moment, his voice reaches me far away and I struggle to reconnect with myself.
Then, I raise my eyes and look at him. He is always so thoughtful of me.
<<Oh, yes yes... I'm just a little tired.>> I invent on the spot. I have to start playing my part well, as if I were the protagonist of a Hollywood movie.
Josh sits next to me, caressing my legs and I feel all his affection in that simple gesture.
<<You're a little pale, actually... are you sure you're fine? If you don't feel up to it, we can postpone our dinner to one of the next days, when you feel better.>> he tells me very respectfully.
His concern spurs me to get up quickly, as if I had been awakened abruptly.
<<Oh no, no! I'm fine! Of course I feel like it, I couldn't wait for anything else!>>
Josh stays watching me attentively for a while, then he smiles at me. <<It's okay, little one.>>
He gets up and gives me another kiss. <<Then I would go and take a shower right away, in the meantime get ready, okay?>> he talks to me and looks at me with such beautiful sweetness, which makes me feel even more guilty.
I nod, as he lifts my face, caressing it some more.
As I watch him go to the bathroom and lock himself in, I start to think about how much suffering I will cause him and that I have never done anything right to deserve a boy like him.

The evening has just begun. Josh made a reservation at The View, a beautiful restaurant in the Brooklyn area.
That place has a truly crazy panoramic view! I remain speechless. If he wanted to surprise me, he certainly succeeded.

Hand in hand, we head towards our table, or rather, we are accompanied by a very kind waiter. I look at Josh with such joy that it shines everywhere.
<<This place is beautiful.>> I tell him enchanted.
The kind waiter brings us the menus and in the meantime, pours us some white wine.
<<I recommend the red prawn tartare, baby. It's an aphrodisiac.>> Josh tells me smiling and in a tone that makes me want to jump on him and kiss him all over.
God, this guy drives me crazy!
We toast, gently clinking our glasses, and I continue to look at him happily.
Despite the tragic news I just received, I will not ruin this evening, for anything in the world.
<<So, are you happy?>> he asks me.
I hold out my hand to him on the table and he immediately takes it in his.
<<Yes, very much. It's all so special. Thank you.>> I answer him sweetly.
<<I love you.>> he whispers to me, while he gently caresses my hand. We take a sip of wine and the taste, although delicious, disgusts me. That terrible nausea, again.
No, not now, please!
I try in every way not to think about it to try to calm me down. It's all useless.
<<Josh, I'm going to the bathroom for a moment. Sorry.>> I tell him hastily.
He looks at me for a moment a little confused, but I have to run away from there immediately, I don't have time to give him further explanations or hear an answer from him.
I turn around, quickly ask a waiter for the right direction and start running again, even faster than before. I have to move, I have to move! If I knew the evening was going to go like this, I would have been better off staying at home, giving Josh some disappointment.
I'm so sorry, he had prepared everything perfectly.